Helen Mirren Finally Steps in Cement

Questions: How does one go about getting “Dame” added to their formal title? I think I’d like to have that. I feel like “Dame” carries WAY less obligation/responsibility than say, “Mrs.” or “M.D.” Also, how is it possible that (the Dame) Helen Mirren is just now getting her star on the Walk of Fame? That lady had been around the Hollywood block like, at least 12 times before Jennifer Aniston discovered Pilates. (Aniston got her star a year ago). Final question: Helen Mirren’s boobs/face/hair/body defy gravity. HOW? Give me the physics or the name of her surgeon. Kthx.

SO! The takeaway from my burning questions is that Helen Mirren got her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame on January 3rd and it’s about damn time. I won’t pretend to know how that works, but seeing as how Dame Helen has been acting since the 60s, it seems like a long time coming. She’s also the only actress on the face of the planet to have played both Queen Elizabeths (in Elizabeth I and The Queen, respectively), which pretty much makes her an honorary Queen or something, right? And Queens get whatever they want. Chocolate-covered strawberries, a gaggle of hot male servants, a star on Hollywood Boulevard. These are the kinds of things I’d ask for if I were a Queen, and Dame Helen deserves them all and then some.

Aside from being awesome at acting like royalty (her role as Elizabeth II in The Queen earned her an Oscar, btw), she’s a prime example of how women can be pretty, successful and funny, all at once. The lady is nearing 70 and is still able to wear the type of curve-hugging dresses that Kim Kardashian would only dare to wear on a good day. In the words of Beyonce:

“If you got it, flaunt it. Boy, I know you want it. While I turn around (you), watch me check up on it.”

And she does. And her adorable husband, director Taylor Hackford, is obviously still interested in watching her check up on it on the reg (the chemistry/tongue in the photos from the ceremony is palpable). Which, after 15 years of marriage (and nearly three decades together in total), leads me to believe that true love DOES exist! And is alive and well in the Hackford-Mirren bedroom. And in the Mirren mind, as illustrated by her joke about having her star placed next to fellow Brit (and King (George VI in The King’s Speech) to her Queens), Colin Firth:

“I couldn’t be prouder and more happy that I’m actually going to finally lie next to Colin Firth, something I’ve been wanting to do for a very long time,” she joked at the unveiling. “I’m very pleased and proud and I think it’s very good for the British monarchy that here on Hollywood Boulevard, the King and the Queen are going to actually sleep together, for the rest of history.”

As someone who’s not British and has no investment in the monarchy, I couldn’t agree more.