Is it healthy to have sexual fantasies about someone other than your partner? We asked an expert
We don’t talk about it much, but sexual fantasies are a part of life that all of us have experienced before, whether we consciously invent them or they come to us in our dreams. Even though you can’t help who you have a sexual fantasy about, it’s easy to feel worried or guilty when you start daydreaming about someone who isn’t your partner.
HelloGiggles spoke with Wendy Strgar, relationship expert, founder of Good Clean Love and author of forthcoming book SEX THAT WORKS: An Intimate Guide to Awakening Your Erotic Life. Although it may seem problematic to fantasize about someone other than your S.O., Strgar says that it may not be as bad as you think.
"We can use [fantasies] for fuel to awaken our libido," Strgar tells HG. "We have the ability to direct that sexual arousal back towards our intimate partner."
Anyone who has been in a longterm relationship knows that the kind of sex you have changes over time. In fact, you might find yourself in a sexual rut, which could be the very reason you have “fantasies of secret desire,” as Strgar calls them.
However, just because you’re having sexual fantasies about someone else doesn’t mean you and your SO are doomed.
It doesn’t mean you’re about to cheat or that you don’t love your partner anymore. It just means you’ve got some pent-up sexual energy that needs to be channeled somewhere. Therefore, in order for your fantasy not to turn into something dangerous you act on, Strgar strongly advises doing a little self-reflection about why you’re imagining that hot scenario in the first place.
"We should do a lot of self inquiry about what we are wanting in our primary relationship and what it is that is pulling us towards sexual ideas about another," she tells HG.
“In and of itself it is very normal, but without reflection can also become a destructive force in the sexual relationship that you are cultivating with your partner,” she continues.
Figure out what it is that’s sparking these fantasies and see if there’s something in particular you’re lacking in your sex life. Also, don’t feel like you have to confess to your partner about your sexual fantasies. Strgar says this is a conversation that can “become very hurtful very quickly.”
Strgar suggests treading lightly and doing some “inner searching before acting on or sharing these kinds of fantasies with partners.” Duly noted.