This guy put his wedding ring on his penis and wound up in the hospital, and yes, this is real life

Listen up, everyone: Here’s a cautionary tale about what we should and shouldn’t do with our body parts, unless going to the hospital to have your wedding ring removed from your penis sounds like fun. (Hint: It shouldn’t and it isn’t.) Thanks to this story we spotted at Cosmo, we now feel obligated to spread the word about the guy who decided to kick his personal Fifty Shades of Grey freak levels up a notch by placing his wedding ring on his penis to achieve maximum sexual pleasure.

Now, typically we mind our biz when it comes to what you do with your junk, even if you Instagram it for the masses to see. That’s on you, ya know? But whether he likes it or not, the 28-year-old South African man who had the ring surgically removed from his nether region is officially a limp-walking PSA for shit you should actually *never* try at home, or anywhere else for that matter.

As if this story isn’t cringe-worthy enough, IT GETS WORSE, Y’ALL.

Did we mention that this guy’s mom accompanied him to the hospital after FOUR hours of trying to remove it on his own? We also regret to inform you (through a facepalm and gritted teeth) that once he reached the hospital, his poor penis was erect and blue and later punctured with needles and syringes because swelling prevented doctors from surgically sawing it off.

After receiving a diagnosis of “penile strangulation,” the patient was prescribed some painkillers and antibiotics and sent on his not-so-merry way.

So, that’s a wrap, everyone! This story wins the entire day. Anyone with a misplaced wedding ring might want to start checking bae’s pants before it’s too late — and we’re absolutely not talking about the pockets.