This woman parodied Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop in a book that’s worth more than a $2,300 pack of playing cards

You know when you follow someone you admire on Twitter, and they follow you back, and then you quietly whisper to yourself, “Friendship?” That’s what happened between myself and and author Gabrielle Moss (note: I’m the lovably? creepy, whispering one here. Hi guys).

When I received an email at work announcing that Gabrielle was coming out with a book, you better believe I had our burgeoning friendship in mind. I turned to my editor, interrupting her important and necessary work, and coolly mentioned that Gaby (as her friends like to call her ?) was releasing a book — and it looked damn good.

Glop: Nontoxic, Expensive Ideas That Will Make You Look Ridiculous and Feel Pretentious did what very few books manage to do. As it expertly parodied Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle publication Goop, Glop embodied the true meaning of the acronym LOL — in that it actually made me laugh out loud.

Since we’re friends and all, I reached out to Gabrielle Moss for an interview. Because, dear readers, everyone deserves to live out the true meaning of LOL at least once in their lives. And I want that for all of you.

HelloGiggles: If you were to tell us about yourself à la Goop, how would that go?

Gabrielle Moss: I would say that I am a dreamy, playful, and slimming caftan that feels equally at home causing a scene at a glamorous Monaco GameStop as it does sipping mimosas on a surprise beach getaway with the Young Pope. I am available in “24k Goat Butter” and “Caucasian Despair.”

HG: Taking a page from Oprah, what was your “ah-ha!” moment when it came to realizing you wanted to write this book?

GM: Well, I was steaming my vagina — that isn’t a complex metaphor for birthing an idea, by the way; I actually steamed my vagina in 2015, because Goop had recently proclaimed that doing so was (literally) the hot new thing.

I wrote an article goofing on the experience, and as I wrote it, I thought, “You know…I could probably write a whole book goofing on this kind of stuff.”

Then Goop recommended that people buy a $2300 pack of playing cards, and suddenly, Glop was born!

HG: How does one go about parodying Goop? Did you channel Gwyneth or pull certain tidbits of inspiration from the site itself? 

GM: I spent many, many hours reading the site as research, since the book is less a parody of Gwyneth herself, and more a parody of the mythical “Goop woman” who is extolled by the site — she’s a woman who discards her designer tunics after they no longer have that “new tunic smell;” a woman who somehow has a high-powered career despite seemingly always being on vacation in France.

HG: If you were to become the editor-in-chief of Goop, what would be your first order of business?

GM: I’d switch out the annual Goop detox guide for a nice Sudoku puzzle. That’s like a detox for your brain!

HG: Have you ever tried/ordered anything based on Goop’s recommendation?

GM: I will admit that I have made Goop’s Ginger & Turmeric Latte many times. It is delicious, it has worked wonders for my skin, and every time I drink it, I am reminded that the joke is on me — because while I get to make jokes about rich people, rich people get to drink and eat stuff like this all day (they also get to be members of the Illuminati, if I am understanding Wikipedia correctly — and that just sounds like an absolutely fabulous time).

HG: Say you met Gwyneth Paltrow right this second — what is one question you’d ask her?

GM: Despite this book’s razzing of the brand she created, Gwyneth is an honest-to-god business genius, and if I met her, I’d probably just ask her how I should allocate my 401k.

HG: What is your personal “beauty secret?” And can you translate it into Goop lingo for us?

GM: I use coconut oil as everything — skin moisturizer, hair conditioner, and, during one particularly wild year, my date to the BAFTAs. I think the great thing about coconut oil is that it’s cheap but better than a lot of really expensive products — so I guess to Goopify it, I’d probably recommend that you only buy coconut oil that has been shipped to you directly from Park City, Utah.

HG: Based on your textbook-level knowledge of Goop, what do you think their advice would be to those who are currently feeling worn down by 2017?

GM: I think they would suggest some guided meditation, some aromatherapy, and, if none of that works, some really really adorable subterranean bunkers where you can just wait this whole thing out.

HG: If you were to create your own lifestyle brand, what would it be called? What would it focus on?

GM: Goop’s name was inspired by Gwyneth Paltrow’s initials (GP), so I would have to follow suit and call my brand Glum, after my initials (GM). Glum, like Goop, would teach you how to emulate the glamorous lifestyle exemplified by its founder — so it would mostly be about how to feel good about only owning furniture that you found on the street.

Glop can be bought for $19.99 right here. You can also follow Gabrielle Moss on Twitter for more of her words (and for friendship?). As for the $2,300 playing cards, you’re on your own, y’all.

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