Five Ways ‘How I Met Your Mother’ Ruined My Life

I’m not going to lie to you. I was initially turned off by How I Met Your Mother. Sure, it had NPH and Jason Segel and Alyson Hannigan. But the pain of losing Friends was still pretty fresh in my mind and I just wasn’t ready to let another NYC show about FRIENDS worm its way into my heart.

Obviously I was a quick convert, and I still don’t like Ted (I mean, who does), but I did grow to love Cobie Smulders. And even though I only watch it sporadically now (that most recent Robin Sparkles episode KILLED me) I still hold a place in my heart for HIMYM (which I think is pronounced him-yim).

I’ve never seen Woody Allen IRL (but I did used to always see Janeane Garafalo which is definitely one of those You Know You Go To NYU When… things)! I’ve never killed a cockroach with my bare hands because I’d never do that. Gross. But I can at least agree with the stealing a cab from someone who needs it more than you and DEFINITELY crying on the subway and not caring. I spent most of my time in New York openly crying on the subway for one reason or another.

Every time I take pictures with friends I just want them to be relaxed and candid so I can make a makeshift opening credit sequence just like HIMYM.

Here are five ways How I Met Your Mother ruined my life:

1. Directly Compare Myself to Robin

This started when I started work at Who Wants to be a Millionaire back in…2007? On my first day, a new co-worker and I were getting to know each other. We both had gone to NYU but never met, etc etc.

And then she compared me to Robin on HIMYM. I hadn’t seen the show yet but I knew that was the brunette so I was down for that. Obviously I’m not Alyson Hannigan so like, fine, whatever.

But then that was STUCK in my head. So shortly thereafter, when I started watching the show myself, I was like, “I AM like Robin!”

Guess what though? I’m totally not. I don’t like scotch, I don’t want to ever smoke a cigar, I’m not into shooting a gun, I’m not Canadian. I’m not afraid of getting married. I think we have a similar goofball sense of humor sometimes and Ted would totally have a crush on me, I assume, but that’s about it. But every time I watch an episode now I think, “okay, sure, Robin is ME!”

I did play the French horn for 10 years and she did get a blue French horn from Ted, so that’s like the same.

And, you know, we are both brunettes.

2. Makes Me Think My Life Can Stay the Same Even If I Have a Kid

Despite my desire to be Robin, I’m probably closer to Lily just because of Marshall.

I’ve been married since I was 26, we met when we were 20 and though I didn’t go to San Francisco to go to an art thing (what was that again?) we did break up for a little while and watching Marshall and Lily do that too was hitting VERY close to home.

But now they have a kid!

And everything is exactly the same. I mean, even when she was pregnant they were at the bar every night. I mean, seriously! Who’s watching their kid when they go to a bar? Just Lily’s deadbeat dad? Always? Whatever, I mean, I LIKE the idea that hopefully having a kid before your friends are even married will keep things the same but I’m pretty sure it would change everything and the show is just lying to me.

3. Bummed I Wasn’t a Canadian Teen Pop Star

This is circling back to the I Love Robin idea from before.

Who doesn’t want to be a teen pop star?

I can assure you this would have been a dream come true for me at age 6 and also currently. The best part about being a Tiffany-style pop star is dancing isn’t really a big focus! How fun!

I’m so uncoordinated there’s no way I’d be able to actually take dance classes and learn moves and stuff like that. But I definitely could have hopped around and sung a few notes. For SURE.

If I didn’t already love Robin throughout the series (which I did), these Robin Sparkles episodes would definitely have convinced me.

And then becoming Robin Daggers??? TOO MUCH. TOO GOOD.

Let’s go to the mall, dudes

4. Wish I Had a Barney Stinson of My Own

Not that they’re similar characters, but I was always similarly upset I didn’t have a Phoebe or a Joey as well.

And now I’m so bummed I don’t have a Barney. I’d love to have that over-the-top friend who comes up with overly ambitious schemes for every occasion and has weird rules about everything. It’d be legen. . . wait-for-it. . . dary.

(I had to do it, sorry.)

He’d always take you on his crazy adventures. You’d never be the craziest person in the room. He’d always be more of a jerk than you were.

And he’d always be there to impart pearls of wisdom like this:

“When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.”

5. Makes Me Think All My Stories Are Worth Telling

I mean, this entire show is based on the idea that Danny Tanner aka Current Ted is telling the story of his “wild NYC 20’s” to his children.

Remember how Barney sleeps with everyone? Definitely tell your kids all the details!

Sure, they change any reference to drugs to “sandwiches” (which is pretty hilarious) but most of the time it’s ignored that he’s telling his kids all these things.

The idea just makes me think about my own life and I’m pretty sure my story to my kids would go, “your dad and I met in college, studying abroad in Dublin, then we got married 6 years later. The end.”

Who wants to hear details of their parents’ lives?!? NO one!

I’ll definitely tell my kids about that time their mom was finishing a very important blog post, in a Starbucks, listening to “Rock Hits of the 90’s” and being the biggest cliché there ever was.

Oh, also this is one of my favorite things…ever.

(Main pic via with me added, Blue French horn pic via, Marshall and Lily pic via, Robin Sparkles pic via, Ted’s kids pic via, Star Wars HIMYM pic via tumblr)

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