Five Ways ‘Full House’ Ruined My Life

This is a momentous occasion. We are finally getting into Full House. How have I been writing this for a year and a half (whoa.) and never done Full House? This is insane. Apologies to the Tanners are majorly in order. There is too much to say about the CAST of Full House (“You Oughta Know” comes to mind…) so let’s just focus on the characters.

This is the first show in my young life I remember calling a friend during to watch it on the phone together. I’m not sure that sentence made sense but I think you know what I mean. Later on I would watch Felicity on the phone with a guy friend of mine (but only senior year when we started getting REALLY emotional), but Full House was the first thing I watched that I thought, “I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE RIGHT NOW.” I also have family IN San Francisco named Tanner so I was heavily invested in this show because I was like, “I’m basically related to you guys.”

But guys, can we talk about how sad it is when Papouli dies?? I can still feel my couch pressed against my cheek while I just sat there sobbing uncontrollably. I also distinctly remember becoming terrified of the idea of riding a horse (I’ve since done it) because I was convinced I’d get thrown off and have amnesia like Michelle (I never really watched a lot of soaps so this was an insane concept to me).

So, okay, here are five ways Full House ruined my life:

1. Wanted Their Exact Family

Who DIDN’T want to be part of this family? It’s insane. Did you know that My Two Dads premiered two days before Full House? I mean, how could they compete when Full House had THREE dad-type characters? Madness!

Danny Tanner is also a morning news anchor which I thought was VERY cool. And then you get a hot uncle (useful to talk to about boys) and a funny uncle (makes you laugh) and then eventually a cool aunt and some cousins! All in one house! Brilliant! And then also (because in my head I was always DJ even though Michelle was closer to my age), you have your best friend right next door! Success!

Probably because I only grew up with my little brother and no cousins in my same state, I was obsessed with the idea of all that family living in one house. I grew up in a place where so many kids I went to school with had ALL of their family in the same city and I was always jealous of that. Like, “oh, no one in that other 3rd grad class is MY cousin. Lame.” So I always looked to Full House as the ideal situation of family and like, togetherness or whatever.

2. Completely Ruined Certain Words For Me

Obviously lots of shows, especially around that period of time, had catchphrases. (I currently am hearing “Did I do that?” on a loop in my head because of that sentence.)

But Full House had a lot for me that make it so the words themselves throw me back to the Tanner residence.

Obviously the classics are “you got it, dude” and “how rude” – both of which I still say…as an adult.

But Uncle Jesse had some good ones too. I pretty much can’t hear the word mercy without thinking of him saying “have mercy.”

But one fateful day I remember declaring something to my family and using “per say” because I remembered Uncle Jesse saying it. I’ve since blocked the specifics of the memory but I KNOW I misused it and I know I will never be able to use it again.

Also – dream style:

3. Made Me Think Disney World Was the Only Place I Ever Had To Visit

Obviously, everything about Disney World made me want to go there, I’m not a monster! Disney World was ingrained in me as the be all and end all vacation hotspot for kids.

But, specifically, on ABC shows, of course they always go to Disney. And those Full House episodes at Disney are KILLER. All I could think watching them was, “GET ME TO THIS MAGICAL LAND ASAP.”

I mean Steve as Aladdin in Full House. Amazing. You could not top that for me at that time. At all.

(Side bar: I always got mad at Friends – a show I love – when they’d reference Disneyland because on the East Coast it is all about Disney World, y’all.)

4. So Stressed Out About Peer Pressure 

I’d say I was a pretty self confident little kid all things considered – until 5th grade when I got braces and 6th grade when everyone decided me dressing like Clarissa Darling was something to mock – but I was terrified of peer pressure.

You have DARE in school and I remember raising my hand and saying, “my grandfather and my mom drink beer!” and the teacher was like, “when?” and I said, “With dinner!” and then were like, kid, you’re fine, calm down.

So when Stephanie gets mixed up with bad girl Marla Sokoloff I was very distressed. And confused. Because I loved Gia. She was badass and confident and dressed cool. But she made Stephanie do bad things! (P.S. my claim to fame is being a great audience member because I’m always feeling exactly what I’m supposed to be feeling at any given moment.)

And I obviously was obsessed with the moment when hottie Steve says kissing someone who smokes is like kissing an ashtray and that is probably in the top 5 reasons why I never wanted to start smoking.

5. Made Me Extremely Nervous I’d Fall Asleep At My Boyfriend’s House

I don’t know about you but the Full House episode called “The Apartment” which is the 2nd episode of the 7th season was very important to me. First of all DJ had the cutest boyfriend ever (aka Aladdin – OMG I HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT ALADDIN). But then he also had a sweet apartment. Basically when you’re a kid/pre-teen, the coolest thing anyone can be is “independent.” So him having an apartment and being so non-threateningly cute was a dream for me.

So obviously DJ falls asleep at Steve’s, misses her curfew and Danny PANICS and goes over to see what happened. I’m tense just thinking about this now. Can you imagine? Ugh. Also, I always think about when DJ forgets Kimmy’s birthday and the note says “sugar lips” because it was for DJ from Steve and DJ tries to pretend she called Kimmy “sugar lips” and it’s gross because then you have to think about how Steve called DJ sugar lips. Disgusting.

But like, whatever happened to predictability?