Five Ways ‘Breaking Bad’ Ruined My Life

I’m not usually on the ground floor of successful, popular TV dramas. I got into Lost a season late, I’ve still only seen season one of The Wire (EXTREMELY STRESSFUL) and I’ve only seen about 10 episodes of The Sopranos (including the series finale). So it’s no surprise I got into Breaking Bad, oh…two months ago. So many of my friends would spend so much time telling me I had to watch it. My husband is from Albuquerque so he was on board right from the premiere so it really was extra insane I never watched it. I mean, I still bought him awesome Breaking Bad things like these coasters without really knowing what they meant:

(From RetroWhale on Etsy)

But then, leading up to the final season (well, final half of the final season) I decided to join the rest of the world and get on the Breaking Bad train. I started from the beginning, obviously, and got ON BOARD. It’s also insane, since I love The X-Files, that I didn’t immediately watch Breaking Bad since Vince Gilligan wrote so many of my favorite episodes, including the episode with Bryan Cranston. (Which is really worth watching, Everyone.)

(I think it should go without saying that there will be spoilers in a post like this, but since it’s Breaking Bad and all, I shall warn you here.)

Also, I definitely think I need this “Heisenberg” necklace…I love a good nameplate.

So in honor of the series finale on Sunday here are five ways Breaking Bad ruined my life:

1. Obsessed With All of the Cast Members and Their Real-Life Relationships and Have Thus Become Like Everybody Else On Tumblr 

I joked, after getting into the show, that the only reason I started watching was so I could swoon over Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul with everyone else. I was in Vegas in May (before I started watching) and saw Aaron Paul at the bar we were at, pointed him out to my husband and went on my merry way but now thinking about it, I get residually excited.

Okay but like, how can you not be obsessed with Aaron Paul? Did you see the video of the tour bus going past his house? How about his episode of The Price Is Right.? He’s such a sweet guy.

But it’s hard to see those pictures of the whole cast together, smiling and loving each other and not have your heart melt. It also doesn’t hurt that Jesse Pinkman just makes me cry almost every time he’s on screen. I feel for that kid too much.

Just do a search on tumblr for Breaking Bad and cry leading up to the finale. Or just watch this video and do the same.

2. Pretty Much Think Anyone You’d Describe as Mild-Mannered Is Probably a Drug Kingpin

Let’s just get this out of the way. I mean, Vince Gilligan has said the whole impetus for creating Breaking Bad was to watch Walter White go from Mr. Chips to Scarface. But really, everyone in this world is involved in drugs in some way.

Gus Fring, almost even more so than Walter White, is the poster child for Mild-Mannered Secret Drug Guy. How would you ever think this dude is a huge drug … leader? What do we call him? Kingpin?

Logically, I don’t think that every quiet, normal-seeming person I run into is a drug kingpin but then again WHAT IF THEY ARE?!

See also: Psycho Todd. Looks pretty normal but is, you know, psycho.

3. The Question “Where is Your Husband From?” Is Now A Long Conversation For Me

My husband was born and raised in Albuquerque, New Mexico. A fact which I always found entertaining because of Bugs Bunny and the fact that we’re both from 11-letter-long, weirdly-named places. (Schenectady, New York for me)

But once Breaking Bad started it was, “OH! Like Breaking Bad??” And, “you go there for Christmas? Isn’t everyone on meth?” Shockingly, I’ve never encountered anyone cooking or selling or doing meth in Albuquerque. But we do get his mom’s car washed at the very same car wash – we’re very helpful visitors.

And in Christmas 2011, my husband made it a point to track down their house (which it turns out is about a 2 minute drive from where he grew up):

Now, of course, the significance of all of these things were lost on me at the time but this Christmas I’ll probably want to go on a full Breaking Bad tour. Watching the show, then, becomes a game my husband plays with himself (gross) of “How quickly can I tell you where they filmed this?”

I just wish they showed more New Mexican food on the show because it’s my favorite. Also, they never go to Balloon Fiesta, which I think was a mistake.

4. Had To Watch Lots of Bodies Being Dissolved In Acid

Whenever my friends asked why I didn’t watch Breaking Bad my response was always the same tale: “I can’t watch all those bodies being dissolved in acid.”

To which they always reply, “they only did that a few times!”

I know it seems that way, but when the first episode of Breaking Bad you tried to watch was the second episode ever you don’t feel that way. Yes, the partially dissolved human remains falling through the ceiling was the first part of Breaking Bad I ever saw and I couldn’t take it. So I didn’t watch another episode for three years.

I’d watch other stuff in another room or put my headphones in on my laptop whenever my husband was watching. Until…the season 4 premiere “Box Cutter.”

For some reason, I didn’t have my headphones on and was paying attention the entire time while that entire horrifying sequence of events occurred. The blood from the murder and then…another disposing of things and bodies in acid!

Then I was out forever, until I wasn’t. And then it was better. (Wait, what?)

5. But Once I Got In, I Was In ALL THE WAY

The thing is, once you get into Breaking Bad, you’re all in. I didn’t love season 3 but I was still all in. I loved season two (just one of the many finales that destroyed me) and obviously the last two seasons are amazing, I’ve spent numerous episodes with my hand over my mouth or jumping in terror or, more recently, holding all of my body parts as close to me as possible as I struggle to breath. (Thinking mostly about “Ozymandias,” of course)

Once you start watching it you realize the most horrifying things are NOT when they dissolve bodies in acid (who knew?). The horrifying things are when little kids are involved in…anything, or when you see what Walt is becoming. I mean, I’m very terrified of spiders but obviously that’s not even close to the most horrifying part of “Dead Freight.”

I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions (for Walt, for Jesse, for Skyler, for Marie, even for Hank) throughout the entire run of watching Breaking Bad. I don’t think it helped that I watched pretty much the entire series just in a few weeks leading up to the season 5.2 premiere. But at least it made me remember almost everything. I can’t believe the amount of stuff that has happened in such a short amount of time and I don’t think anything I can imagine could be as crazy as whatever Vince Gilligan has planned for the finale.

Goodbye, Breaking Bad, I look forward to re-watching you constantly.

(Main image , Gus , Lydia via, Todd via, all other pics my own)