9 of the funniest lines in “Fifty Shades Freed,” a movie that is really not trying to make you laugh

If you’re looking for a laugh-out-loud movie that is not meant for the whole family, may I suggest Fifty Shades Freed? While yes, it is a kinky BDSM-lite film about two good-looking people who really like having sex (all the time, everywhere, on boats, on kitchen tables in Aspen, in Red Rooms, etc.), it’s also maybe the funniest movie released so far in 2018. Please keep in mind that Fifty Shades Freed is, by all means, not trying to be funny, yet it achieves this distinction with ease.

If I can just be honest with you, the writing in the film is…not great. This is not to say that Fifty Shades Freed scribe Niall Leonard is not a capable writer, but his source material is…nowhere near Pulitzer Prize territory. The Fifty Shades book series, written by E.L. James, is kinda known for being stiff and repetitive, so it isn’t surprising that quality carried over to the film.

While all of the scenes in the movie are meant to be very dramatic scenes, because Christian Grey and Anastasia Steel Grey are very serious people doing very serious adult things, it’s hard not to laugh. Here are the nine funniest lines of the movie, which you are going to read and go, “what the f?” — but I promise these lines are very, very funny. 

1“It’s boobs in boob-land.”— Anastasia

The scene: Anastasia wants to go topless at a topless beach, and Christian is like “heaven forbid no, I am the only one who can see your boobs.” Ana takes a look around the beach, and comments that it’s boobs as far as the eye can see.

2“You know what I am sure about? This steak.” — Christian

The scene: Christian and Anastasia have a Very Serious Talk about having kids — Ana wants them, he isn’t so sure. But know what he IS sure about? Medium rare steak.

3“You got a promotion and you weren’t even here.”— Liz

The scene: After months of being away (having sex), Ana returns to work to find that she’s been promoted and her office has gotten a makeover. Leave it to Liz, who is, uh, someone in the office (??) to quip that somehow Ana is rising in the ranks without doing any work! How weird is that? So weird, also considering the fact that Christian’s owns the company where she works. Crazy coincidence!

4 “I tried emailing you. It bounced.” — Christian

The scene: Ana decides to keep her maiden name for her work email, at least for the time being. Guess who immediately tries to email her at [email protected]? (It is probably not a hotmail account, but let’s imagine it is for a second.) Christian storms into Ana’s office to ask why SHE IS NOT GETTING HIS EMAILS, and this is like when your mom emails you and then texts you, “Did you get my email?”

5“I love what you’re doing in Africa.”— Gia

The scene: TBH, I literally can’t remember the scene, and I’m pretty sure Seattle Real Estate Go-To Lady Gia said it to Christian when he showed up at the house he had literally just bought for Ana as a surprise. It’s easier just to accept that this line of dialogue happened, than to try to explain it.

6 “If you can handle her, you can handle this.”— Christian

The scene: Ana wants to drive Christian’s car, and he’s like “Welp, I saw how you scared Gia away from hitting on me, so sure, baby you can drive my car.”

7 “Don’t use the Red Room to even the score.” — Anastasia

The scene: Christian is pissing and moaning about something Ana did, so he takes her into the Red Room and ties her up and uses one of his fancy vibrators on her, but then she gets pissed because he’s using SEX AS A WEAPON ?.

8 “Babies happen when you have sex, and you and I tend to do a lot of that.”— Anastasia

The scene: Oh noooo! Ana is pregnant. And Christian says, “You didn’t take your shot,” aka the birth control she’s supposed to be on. Ana is optimistic about the baby, and Christian is like “MY WORLD IS COLLAPSING AROUND ME, HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?” Christian, it’s because you and your wife have a lot of sex, please calm down.

9 “I can’t believe I shot someone.”— Anastasia

The scene: Ana shoots someone, and my god, she just can’t believe she shot someone.