Field Guide to Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera ain’t got time for the weight-haters — words can’t bring her down, ooHHhhh nooooOooh. But after recently being photographed looking fresh-faced, slim and sexy in black skinny jeans and a modest red sweater, it appears that her stylist has finally figured out what a girl wants, what a girl needs — Which does not include outfits that appear to be in direct conflict with her areolas.

As a judge on The Voice, the former ’90s pop powerhouse has been introduced to new  generation — A generation that can’t even begin to imagine what it means when one of your beloved teen queens gets into a boxing ring with assless chaps. But way before she started hate-flirting with Adam Levine on national television, Christina Aguilera was just an army brat with a dream, a genie in a bottle, waiting to be rubbed in a totally non-sexual, radio-appropriate way.

Name: Christina María Aguilera

Common Reference: Xtina (circa 2007)

Relationship: Dating Matt Rutler, a production assistant she met on the set of Burlesque, shortly after her divorce with Jordan Bratman was finalized.

Origin: The Mickey Mouse Club by way of Pennsylvania via New York, New Jersey, Texas and Japan. Aguilera’s family moved around with her Army soldier father until she was 6, when her parents divorced. Christina, her mother and her younger sister Rachel settled in Rochester, Pennsylvania at her grandmother’s house.

Natural Habitat: On stage. Christina was hittin’ the high notes while most of us were busy trading Lisa Frank erasers. At 8, she won her first talent show by belting out Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody.” At 10, she was crooning to Etta James’ “A Sunday Kind of Love” on the Star Search stage. At 13, homegirl had arrived, appearing alongside soon-to-be teen idols, Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling and Keri Russell on The Mickey Mouse Club. They nicknamed her “the Diva,” assumedly for being the kind of performer who has to press on your earpiece during glass-shattering high notes.

Greatest Hits: “Genie in a Bottle” (1999), “What A Girl Wants” (1999), “Come On Over Baby (All I Want Is You)” (2000), “I Turn To You” (2000), “Lady Marmalade” feat. Lil’ Kim, Pink & Mya (2001), “Dirrty” feat. Redman (2002), “Beautiful” (2002),  “Fighter” (2003), “Ain’t No Other Man” (2006), “Candyman” (2007), “Keeps Gettin’ Better” (2008), “Moves Like Jagger” with Maroon 5 (2011)

Identifying Characteristics: Platinum-blonde hair (sometimes with colored streaks, depending on how dirrty she feels), tig ol’ bitties that can’t be tamed by nary a bandage dress, straight-outta-Staten Island eye-rolling attitude and  a four-octave vocal range heard by dolphins and dogs alike.

More importantly though, Aguilera has long-been an independently-driven woman with no shame for her curves, her overt sexuality or her turbulent family history (she’s estranged from her father, whom allegedly abused her mother). Sure, she could maybe stand to go easy on the self-tanner every now and again, but her confidence and control over her post-“Genie” image have seemingly prevented her from wielding an umbrella at the paps or walking around Times Square alone, in fuzzy slippers, like a crazy person.

The Future: Since deciding to leave The Voice after three seasons, Christina is revisiting her Latin roots (her father is Ecuadorian) with Mexican singer Alejandro Fernandez. The two recently covered Miguel Gallardo’s ‘Hoy Tengo Ganas de Ti” from 1975.  She’s also been observing the new season of The Voice from a different seat, in the comfort of her own home.

Featured image (circa 2000) courtesy of Shutterstock