Rachel Grate
October 23, 2014 9:23 am

Another year, another round of the most commonplace-household-objects-turned-sexual in women’s Halloween costumes. Each year, the selections get more absurd—from fruits to deep-ocean animals to childhood toys, there are Halloween costumes that will stop you from ever looking at Big Bird in the same way again. (And don’t even get me started on the fully clothed male versions of the same costumes.)

Of course, I’m against judging women for whatever costume they choose to wear, especially given the pressure for women to look hot on Halloween. But I’m totally fine with judging companies for thinking these are desirable, sensual costumes that anyone could really feel sexy in. So instead of taking this opportunity to rant about double standards, let’s just bask in the hilarity of unbelievably unsexy “sexy” Halloween costumes.

1. Adult Hamburger Costume

If you thought Paris Hilton eating a hamburger while washing a car was sexy, here’s a whole new level of hot. Complete with a bun-style hat, in this costume, your stomach is the meat. Uh, yum. . . ?

2. Sexy Lobster Costume

No sexy costume would be complete without red fur claws, amirite?

3. Sexy Fortune Cookie Costume

I once got “Have a nice day” as my fortune, so I suppose “Enjoy me” isn’t so far out of the realm of possibility. I especially appreciate the fortune cookie hat with chopsticks sticking out of it. I’m not talented enough to eat fortune cookies with chopsticks, but I could get behind wearing them on my head.

4. Sexy Olaf (from Frozen)

Do you want to build a snowman? Who could resist when you’re wearing a white leotard with black puff balls sewn on the front? Apparently, not America, since the line of sexy Frozen costumes have already sold out.

5. Sexy Jellyfish Costume

Anything I could possibly say about this costume could not distract from its main attraction: the eye placement. Reading the costume description, the eyes are actually stickers not attached to the costume–but where else could you possibly put them?

6. Touchdown Dress Costume

The field goal post headband is definitely a touchdown. In all seriousness, I do appreciate that this is a dress that doesn’t appear to be absurdly short or low cut. 

7. Bombshell Bomber Girl Costume

If you think Katy Perry has extreme bras, just wait until you see this costume. This reminds me of the scene in How to Train Your Dragon when Hiccup’s father gave him a helmet made of his mother’s breast plate, because this top looks like someone sewed two propeller hats on a shirt.

8. Adult Sock Monkey Costume

Say goodbye to the childhood innocence of sock monkeys. Say hello to sweaty, furry leg warmers.

9. Sexy Shark Costume

If you loved Sharknado, this is the costume for you. It’s just as full of ridiculous sexual innuendo as the movie, but no excessive ketchup blood is included.

10. Sexy Beaver Costume

What is it with this trend of very furry leg warmers? Couldn’t we just add some of that fabric to another part of the body to keep warm? At least this costume has a fresh take on the tail trope, with a built in giant paddle tail.

11. Deluxe Vampire Bat Costume

The glowing, flashing disco light eyes are what sets this costume apart. Also perfect for anyone who can’t choose between sexy vampire and a sexy animal. Now you can be both!

12. Sexy Crocodile Costume

Now this is how you do furry leg warmers–with shiny gold metallic claws as accents. From the neon green cartoon face on the suede swimsuit the color of toxic chemicals, you would have to be crazy not to be green with envy over this costume.

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