Elizabeth Entenman
August 26, 2015 11:28 am

Ah, New York Fashion Week. Eight days of runway shows, industry soirées and street style snaps that most of us only get to enjoy vicariously through the Internet. At this year’s NYFW festivities, Fashion house Marc Jacobs is throwing a release party for Gloss, a photography book about Chris von Wangenheim’s work. The event is being hosted at Tunnel, a nightclub so famous in New York that fictional characters from Carrie Bradshaw to Patrick Bateman namedrop it like it’s NBD — so you know this party is going to be good.

Yahoo Style scored an invite to the event, and decided to share some of the details with the Internet. Apparently, the strict explanation of dress code takes up more space than the actual party invitation.

The instructions read:
STRICT DRESS TO KILL CODE WILL BE ENFORCED: FUR COATS OVER LINGERE, LIP GLOSS, JERRY HALL SIDE-SWEPT HAIR, SEQUINS, GOLD LAME TURBANS, PATTI HEARST SYMBIONESE LIBERATION ARMY GEAR, ROGUE, ROLLERINA CHIC, SHEER HAREM PANTS, MINI SKIRTS AND MUSCULAR LEGS, PLATINUM RECORDS AS HEAD GEAR, SEQUINS, GRACE JONES BUTCH REALNESS, GLOSS-Y SKIN, BLEACHED EYEBROWS, SLITS, RIDING IN ON A WHITE HORSE, SEQUINS, SKY HIGH STILETTOS, MIRRORED AVIATORS, METAL MESH, COWL NECKLINE HALTERS, OR EYES OF LAURA MARS CHIC. NO FLAT SHOES. NO MATTE SURFACES. NO NATURAL LOOKS.

This invitation, which is almost mind-bogglingly specific, left my head spinning with thoughts.

Why are you yelling at me? This invite is mad about something, or possibly just very, very excited. I just don’t know what prompted these extreme feelings. The only person who can get away with writing in all caps, all the time is Chelsea Peretti.

Did Bill Hader write this? The dress code guidelines read like a mix of obscure Gilmore Girls references, silly ‘Stefon’ monologues from Weekend Update and Gretchen Weiners yelling “You can’t sit with us!”

Please elaborate on some of your references. Regarding ROGUE, I need more specifics. The Marvel superhero? The act of straying from a plan? Or maybe they meant to type ROUGE, like blush? I hope it’s all three.

How strict is this dress code, really? I’m not a fashion person, so maybe I don’t necessarily “get it,” but some of these looks are confusing. For example, what is ROLLERINA CHIC? Is it tutus mixed with roller skates? If so, you can wear roller skates, but you can’t wear flats? And then there’s PLATINUM RECORDS AS HEAD GEAR. Could you please provide an example of said head gear, Marc Jacobs?

What did flats ever to do anyone? They take a lot of crap, but I stand by them. You don’t ALWAYS have to wear heels. I’m sure I could pull of PATTI HEARST SYMBIONESE LIBERATION ARMY GEAR whilst wearing homely flats. Another question: What if they’re Marc Jacobs flats?

Twinkle twinkle, big star. SEQUINS is listed no less than three times. And you know what? I’m fine with it. That part of the dress code doesn’t seem so bad.

I especially love this dress code description because it means that somewhere in our great world, one or more people sat in a room and came up with this list of approved getups. There are probably things that didn’t make the cut, and I really want to know what those things are. Macramé unicorn horns? Aileen Wuornos prison jumpsuits? More than an invitation to an actual Marc Jacobs event, this leaves me coveting an invitation to the meeting to craft the invitation to a Marc Jacobs event.

If you scored an invite to the MJ party, please take many, many pictures and show them to me. I know dressing up is all fun and games, but for what it’s worth: Once the sun comes up, NATURAL LOOKS are pretty cool in my book.

(Image via iStockPhoto.)

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