Steven Folkins
June 05, 2012 8:00 am

I have been unemployed for a year now. I was laid off last June and have been on the hunt for a full time job since then with very little success. I have written hundreds of cover letters, some formal, some semi-formal and some quoting Oprah. My Oprah cover letter is truly my favorite and I would write about it here, but I don’t want you stealing it, because it is pretty brilliant, if you ask me. Well, maybe not so brilliant since I haven’t gotten a job using it, but it has gotten me more than one interview. As I spend time crafting cover letter after cover letter, I wonder how many of these letters actually get read by a real human being. These thoughts have led me to writing this cover letter where I just get real. Feel free to use this one and if you get hired can you get me a job there too?

Important Person Reading This
Company That Should Totally Hire Me
A Really Cool Building Located Near Public Transportation

Hey! I know this cover letter is supposed to hit all the hot topics and buzzwords you included in your job description, but like, let’s get real here.  You want someone who is going to fit right into the already functioning office and I am so totally good like that.  Most people really like me and once you get my sense of humor we’ll be fast friends! I know my way around a computer program and have a keen sense of Google, so if I don’t know the answer to a problem, I will be sure to Google search before asking you!

I have a Masters degree that I probably will never need to use, but like, who doesn’t these days?  The education I have really means that I can say stupid things and make them sound real smart.  I could even put those ridiculously smart ideas I have into a PowerPoint.  Don’t want a PowerPoint? I know how to blog.  I have this social media s**t on lock.  I won’t use the word s**t unless it’s acceptable – and trust me, I know when those times are acceptable.  You want memes or something to go viral (I can cook a nice soup if you mean the other viral). Well, I am skilled in Photoshop, but you’re just going to have to buy me a copy since it costs too much and I’m afraid to download it from Pirate Bay.

The years of actual job experience I have looks real good on paper.  I wrote it all down on my resume, so I should know.  I have worked on the web, in retail, education settings and non-profits.  I have gone through the hiring process in my years of management, and aren’t you tired of all the boring cover letters, too?  I know I am tired of writing them.  Let’s get to the real here, you need me. Ignore those other resumes coming in and get on the phone or text me or @ me on Twitter or friend me on foursquare and find out where I am and then check in at the same place and we both get extra points and be all like “OMG! You’re here too? You need a job?”

In closing, I know you feel me here and I don’t want to degrade myself by begging, but I will. Oh, I will. In the words of the legendary TLC, “Cause I ain’t 2 proud 2 beg 4 something that I call my own.”

xo,
Steven

[Parts of this post originally ran on folkinz with additions, subtractions, and was edited for language]

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