All the fantastical jobs I assumed I could have as an adult

Remember being a kid and having your teacher ask, “So, what do you want to be when you grow up?” Back then, as a small human on this planet, the possibilities were goddamn ENDLESS. What did you want to be? Could you be everything? How many outlandish future professions are TOO MANY?


Dolphin trainer

Super upset when I got to college and learned that “dolphin trainer” wasn’t actually something I could get a B.S. in.


There was a reason you took all those ballet classes as a kid, and it’s so you could look back as an adult and wonder, “Huh, why didn’t my life end up a little bit more like Center Stage?”


Raise your hand if you just assumed that one day your parents would sit you down and explain to you, very calmly, that you were actually heir to a small European country.


A featured player on SNL

With the way the SNL cast rotates, it sure seems like you could be the next chosen one. Because like yeah, it’s probably really easy to work your way up the stand-up ladder, and get an audition in front of Lorne Michaels, and then be signed to a multi-year NBC contract. Piece of cake!!


Shhh, don’t even mention that the space program has actually been shut down and we’re no longer going to the moon anymore, because shhhh, kids today might not realize that yet, and let’s let them keep their space dreams alive.

Radio DJ

How hard could it be to sit around and program music all day? It must be really easy, right? It’s assumed that’s all that radio DJs do, right? They’ just like, make mixtapes all day.



There’s that line in The Truman Show, where little Truman tells his teacher that he wants to be an explorer, and his teacher (trying to keep him in his precious bubble) is like LOL YOU CAN’T EVERYTHING HAS BEEN DISCOVERED. That’s actually what it’s like to be a explorer nowadays.

Meg Cabot

Like, specifically, Meg Cabot. There was a period of like, 5-10 years where all the young girls out there wanted to grow up and be a young adult author, but not just any young adult author, but specifically Meg Cabot because she was SO COOL and had an online blog before it was cool to have an online blog, and she was SO COOL and she was so funny!!

Ghost Hunter

Yeah, this seems cool, till you realize you have to look for the ghosts at night, and you’re tired, and it’s nothing like Ghostbusters.


Someone who names nail polish colors

During childhood brainstorms, many teachers would be like “Let’s pretend name nail polish colors!” This happened so many times it only made SENSE that this was an obtainable job that was just like, posted to LinkedIn all the time.


Yeah, there are veterinarians out there, it’s an actual, practical job. But seriously, can you name ONE FRIEND who actually grew up to be a veterinarian? Anyone?


Cake decorator

This sounds cool, until you realize decorating cakes really is a form of art, and it’s really hard, and you can’t just lick the frosting as you’re working.

Personal shopper

For reals, who doesn’t want to spend all day shopping for someone else? It sounds like a dream. You get to play with all the pretty clothes, and hang out in dressing rooms, and lead a completely fabulous life. But uh, do you? Is this actually a job, or is this something the movies made up and isn’t actually obtainable or even that cool?



Specifically, whatever Indiana Jones does.

Food critic

Remember in My Best Friend’s Wedding how Jules is just a food critic, and the movie opens with her literally commenting on the food at the restaurant? How do one get to that position in life?