Everything you need to know, you can learn from my past columns

A few months ago, for some reason, I joked that my very last EINTKILF would be “EINTKILF Muggles.” I used to think, long ago, that it might be over when I wrote about the sixth Friend. I thought it might be over when I finally got Gillian Anderson to tweet at me (and when I say “finally,” I mean it was one tweet and she’s the best, so that is all it took!) — but I had a couple left in me. But here we are, you guys. We are finally here.

I started writing EINTKILF (an acronym that is way too long, but I had no idea what a Thing it would become!) in 2011 on my personal blog.

I wrote about The Simpsons, Beyoncé, rap music, and for some reason, royal weddings (even though I know nothing about them at all). When I discovered HelloGiggles, I really thought my voice would fit right in. I was going through a very hard breakup, one of those breakups that you will never experience again because you really have to be the perfect combination of dumbly in love, 24-years-old, and avoidant of any and all conversations that might have helped said relationship grow.

I didn’t quite know what to do with myself, so I started writing again — anything and everything I could — and decided to actually submit something. “Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From The Simpsons was my favorite thing I had written on my personal blog, and The Simpsons are about as close to my heart as you can get. So I went with it, and the rest is Jess Tholmer history.

The wonderful people at HG loved me and I quickly loved them back. As of March 2012, my column was weekly, and I was so grateful and so excited to write it all the time.

Through my column, I have been in internet fights about accidental mistakes (most recently, referring to Diane Keaton as Diane Lane — wtf I don’t even know), and I have received literally thousands of emails, tweets, and Facebook comments from people who have resonated with what I have written.

Most memorably, after I wrote “EINTKILF Ross and Rachel”, I received four or five emails about how it was really nice to hear from a person who was going through something they were also going through — back and forth relationships are the forever worst, and I would know (and so would Ross and Rachel).

Beyond that, and this sounds like an exaggeration but is definitely not, I have made a ton of friends. Not only are some of the people who have worked with and for HelloGiggles now my real-life friends, but people who read my column (or knew people who read my column), have come into my life like tiny shiny stars that I needed to light up my dark sky of a life.

My Twitter quickly went from tweeting about work and my friends, to connecting to people who read something they liked that I wrote.

I met one of my very best friends through “EINTKILF New Girl Season 1″, literally because she tweeted at me about Nick Miller. In fact, I can honestly say that somehow, someway, writing for HelloGiggles brought actual real love into my life and I will forever be grateful to the long acronym that confused everyone for 4.5 years.


I cannot finish being corny without saying that some of my very favorite celebrities have tweeted at me about the column I wrote about them.


Jason Alexander called ME funny. Gina Rodriguez thanked me for her love letter.

Hank Azaria follows me on Twitter, Lisa Kudrow loved what I wrote about Phoebe, Mindy Kaling, Mae Whitman, BJ Novak, the love of my life Candace Cameron-Bure, GILLIAN EFFIN ANDERSON. Celebrities are people too and whatever, but every one of those moments meant something huge to me, this little pop culture loving Seattlite.

That’s enough from me. Though not all of my EINTKILFs are still live links, I would like to point you to some of my favorites. (I wish I could link you to the most ridiculous one I ever wrote, “Everything I Need to Know I Learned From That Pizza Hut Commercial Before Land Before Time.” YES I REALLY WROTE THAT.)

EINTKILF Leslie Knope

EINTKILF Dana Scully

EINTKILF Rachel Green

EINTKILF Rose Dewitt Bukater

EINTKILF Tami and Eric

EINTKILF Jack and Rose



EINTKILF Love Actually

EINTKILF Neville Longbottom

Every column I wrote was riddled with what I was going through in my personal life, carefully intertwined with characters we all know and love.

All in all, the lessons that have really continually been taught again and again, through these beautiful characters, through my words, and through what I have personally taken throughout my life, are as follows:

Be yourself as often as you can because you are wonderful. Stand up for what you believe in, because it is undoubtedly important. Let yourself love who you love. Loyalty is important. Don’t be a jerk. That’s it! That is all I ever learned, and all I could ever hope to give to you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you to the people who read one single EINTKILF and hated me for writing the word “like” too many times. Thank you to everyone who never understood that I have never literally learned everything I know from one single character. And a more important thank you to the people who read every single column, or shed a tear, or told their friends I was funny, or found me on Twitter to befriend me and magically make me fall in love with you. After over 200 columns of nonsense and heart, I really, truly can tell you that I appreciate you so very much.

(And HelloGiggles, you will always be my people.)