Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From N’Sync’s “No Strings Attached”

Since it is Memorial Day, I racked my brain thinking about what kind of American thing I could write about, to no avail. I wrote about Independence Day like a million years ago so I was fresh out of ideas until! A lightbulb! “What is more American than boy bands,” I thought to myself, which is a terrible argument because the most famous boy band in the world is English (I mean 1D, obviously, not The Beatles), but I digress. N’Sync is relevant, all the time, always.

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From N’Sync‘s “No Strings Attached” 

1. Don’t be anyone’s puppet/doll/accessory.

Because it is creepy, like this picture.

2. Always tell people how you feel.
Ain’t no lie, my favorite N’Sync song of all time is “I Thought She Knew” because nothing is more beautiful than men lamenting the loss of their love via harmonizing their vocal abilities. Yep. I mean that. The only reason I have not karaoke-d this song is because no one likes a downer at karaoke, and this song absolutely must hit too close to home to any human with a heart.

Heart full of words left unspoken, now that we’re through / I’d sell my soul to have the silence broken, oh I thought she knew. 

BAHHHH anyway, the lesson. To avoid feeling this way, just tell people how you feel, all the time. I have done it for years. I basically haven’t had a secret crush on anyone since Nate Watson in high school because what’s the point? Finding out later that someone liked you when you liked them is the biggest waste of time. Just be honest, people. Best policy.

3. Let Chris Kirkpatrick sing a solo sometimes.
I mean he pretty much never got to sing, but he does in “I Thought She Knew,” and I just spent five entire minutes googling images of Chris singing and came up with nothing, so…here you go:

Story of Chris’ life. For more of Chris’ solos, please see this list.

4. It’s okay to get fed up.
Everyone’s favorite ’90s hit “Bye, Bye, Bye” explores the subject of ditching the person that has been giving you the run around. It’s like, I loved you so much and you were never there for me and I don’t want to play this game anymore and life is gonna rule when I’m not dating you anymore. And for humans everywhere who have been in bad relationships, this is the anthem. Though honestly, I don’t think it sounds crazy and I don’t think it’s a lie. I don’t think anyone should stay in a one-sided relationship!

5. In the future, everyone will be talkin’ about Jerusalem.

Yep. Space cowboys. That was a thing that made sense to us when we were children.

ALSO REST IN PARADISE LEFT EYE, FOR LIFE.

6. Pay days are on Friday.
Always, apparently. I mean, my pay day is on Friday, but I can tell you that I don’t usually immediately head to the club to meet up with a fine young lady. Maybe I should try it.

…do boy bands even get paid though? Like on a bi-weekly basis?

7. Clothes are very important re: new boyfriends.
Can you relate to this song as well as I can? Basically every time a person I liked / dated has a new chick, I’m like singing these lyrics.

Cause now I know the competition’s very slim to none / And I can tell by looking that he’s not the one / He’s not the type you said you liked / His style is whack, clothes are bad. 

I would just like to point out that these guys had the audacity to talk about any other man’s clothing choices.

8. Digitally getting down is extremely inappropriate.
Why were we allowed to listen to this song? Why did they make this song?! Did anyone even get down digitally in the year 2000?!??!

Can we get connected / I need some love and affection baby / I’ll call you on the phone / I hope that I get through / If you’re in the mood and I’m not home, here’s what you do: leave a message / You know the kind (you know the kind I like) I like to get back to

Man, dirty voicemail messages. That certainly gets me going.

9. Even the good guys get burned. 

And coming from JC, I actually believe it. How could anyone burn this guy? Look at his bracelets and his prayer stance. Oh, JC. It’s gonna be you.

10. How to express your true love.
Wearing a brown turtle neck sweater the same color as the trees in the forest? True love. Visions of tattoos in a soap bubble? True love. Disliking caricatures in the park, also in a soap bubble? Maybe not. Wearing red leather jackets in the forest while walking slowly and thoughtfully? It is true love. Meeting up with your four dude friends, some of who are also wearing turtlenecks? True love. Running to catch a train together (soap bubble)? True love. What’s with the soap bubbles?

Oh, and JC is also matching the trees with his brown turtleneck and pants that I think I saw recently at Forever 21? No wonder he was the one I had a crush on. Til’ the day my life is through, this video will remain the best and weirdest thing in my life. This I promise you.

Jokes aside, I love this song, it is very romantic.

Thanks for the lessons, boys.

(Also, I didn’t shout out Lance Bass, so heyyyy, Lance Bass!)

Featured image via , Chris Kirkpatrick images via cbslocal and womenlately (for some reason), space cowboy GIF via elitedaily, Makes Me Ill image via dailymail, JC image via tudo-sobre-as-estrelas-disney.blogspot.com, This I Promise You GIFs jukeboxmixtape, This I Promise You image via allmusic.