Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From My Cat

I just turned 27 yesterday, and I feel conflicted about it, as I do with birthdays—so I need a dose of conflict-free happiness. The only logical decision for me was to write about the cat I live with. She is my roommate’s cat, and I kind of hate cats, but she grew on me hardcore. So, let’s get lighthearted.

EINTKILF Layla the Cat

1. Having multiple names is cool.

Names she goes by: Layla, Layla May, Bae, Bae-Bae, Aye-Bay-Bay, and Legolas, which is my personal favorite because my group of guys kind of started calling her that when they had had a few too many beverages and couldn’t remember her actual name. They are all very fitting.

2. Don’t be a runaway.

If you open the door, Layla tries to run away. It is super rude, and in general, I think you should stick with the ones who feed you. But I mean, that’s just me.

Plus, how can you be this comfortable outside? Silly girl.

3. Men are jerks.

. . .not that I always think this is true, but Layla pretty much does. Men really have to earn their keep with her. She loved my ex-boyfriend a whole lot, but there was one day when she would not even go near him. She stuck to my side and gave me way more attention than she ever does. I couldn’t figure out what her deal was until I realized the night before, my ex and I had gotten into a pretty big fight and Layla was protecting me. Man, I thought only dogs knew stuff like that. Mark it as the moment I fell for her. What a gal.

4. Bugs, birds, the reflection from your iPhone = terrorists.

One time, Layla tripped about the little Tinkerbell light from my phone on the wall so bad that she knocked over my favorite lamp, breaking a pretty thick Mason jar in the process. I was pretty mad, but I mean, it was also kind of funny. . .though I miss that Mason jar. It was my drinking cup!

5. You don’t need makeup to cover up.

Layla has a whole thing with makeup. First of all, she sits on the bathroom counter, eyeing us suspiciously while we do our makeup in the morning. I always make the same joke about cat-eyes that she probably doesn’t think is funny, but I do and that’s all that matters. Besides the joy of watching us apply makeup to our faces, she also likes to smell my lips when I’m wearing chapstick, lipstick, or some kind of balm (which is literally always). I don’t usually let her do that, but I do sometimes.

6. Oatmeal is good for you.

Yeah, it’s her favorite food.

7. Red wine is good for you.

OK, I don’t LET her drink my red wine, but I do let her smell the glass. She’s my kind of girl.

8. Water in a dish is for peasants.

We might let Layla drink out of a coffee mug because she prefers it to her dish. At this point, she doesn’t actually have a water dish. She still eats her food out of a dish, but if it ends up served on a plate with cutlery on the side one day, I wouldn’t be all that surprised.

9. Loud music is for punks.

When I bought my little bluetooth speaker, Layla started to hate my guts because I then had the ability to listen to Kanye West at an irritating volume. She tried, for quite some time, to silence the little purple speaker by knocking it off the fridge. When the bass got pumping though, she freaked out and hasn’t touched it again since. Bless her soul.

10. Love Actually is the best movie.

I fell asleep on the couch watching Love Actually one time and when I woke up, Layla was sitting on the ottoman watching the movie. Like, sitting there, staring at the screen while Hugh Grant danced to the music. It was probably the cutest thing I have ever seen, and in my own mind, she watched the whole thing. Smart cat—it is the best movie ever. I move out of this little home into my own place in about a week. Though I haven’t been sold on cats enough to get one myself, I am very happy to have lived with this little rascal for the past year of my life. Cats are alright, you guys.

11. Cats invented the selfie.

Also, I am well aware that that movie is not Love Actually. The point is : TV rules, and so does this cat.