Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From Uncle Jesse

ICYMI–I just learned what that acronym meant!–Uncle Jesse went on Jimmy Fallon‘s show last week to reunite with his band The Rippers. THAT’S RIGHT, and yes I said “Uncle Jesse” because even though John Stamos is like my favorite person ever, Uncle freakin’ Jesse was on stage that night. He was rocking that hair, and his sweet vest, and Aunt Becky / Lori Loughlin even came out and kissed him at the end of his performance and talk about heartfreakingwarming.

When I was a kid, I used to tell my mom that that song had to play and/or be sung at my wedding because I have loved it, ooh ooh, forever.

So with that all being said, I was inspired to write about my second Full House character of EINTKILF’s history.

EINTKILF Uncle Jesse

1. Elvis is everything.
Jesse Katsopolis is like…beyond obsessed with Elvis Presley, the King himself. Jesse’s birth name is actually “Hermes,” but he changes it to be cooler, naming himself after Elvis’ twin brother who died at birth. Plus, he does the voice, and the “thank you very much,” and, well…

2. Take care of the hair.
It is funny that Jesse cares so much about his hair–like so, so much–because he had a freakin’ mullet for the first part of the show, and mullets are the worst.

In fact, one of my favorite episodes because I am morbid apparently? is the one where Steph accidentally cuts a chunk of Jesse’s hair out, forcing him to go get a haircut (WHICH HE SHOULD HAVE DONE ANYWAY BECAUSE MULLET). Jesse is so emotionally distraught on his way home that he crashes his motorcycle and breaks both of his arms. And I love that episode because I like when he tries to eat the Cheerios.

3. Write a song about it.
Jesse is the best at making a good moment better because he always opts to sing a song.

Besides the aforementioned “Forever,” Jesse sings to Michelle a lot, like when her best friend / love of her life Howie goes back to Nebraska. He also sings for his job–jingle writing, or one of his various bands, and even that one terrible time on Mother’s Day.

4. Don’t be a playa (no more).
Jesse is a supreme womanizer for the first half of Full House until he meets Rebecca Donaldson, of course. She is just the kind of woman to take a man from his player days to make a real man out of him. You know, “real man” meaning married with kids living in his brother-in-law’s house with a bunch of random people. But anyway, “HAVE MERCY” Jesse made out with a lot of chicks in the beginning. And I liked it.

5. Don’t be so mean to young girls! 
Uncle Jesse, though I think he is a perfect specimen in almost all other ways, is super duper mean to poor Kimmy Gibbler. Like what is his problem? I know she is supposed to be really annoying and everything, but he is EXTRA mean to her.

Like poor Kimmy Gibbler. I would hate it if a man that flingin’ flangin’ attractive was mean to me.

6. Men don’t understand pregnant women. 
OH HOW DO YOU LIKE MY GENERALIZATION? I am not even apologizing for it. I do not understand the road of pregnancy either, but at least I eventually might. Jesse is such a big old jerk to Becky when she is pregnant so they fight about it and make some dumb deal where he has to wear a big fake pregnant belly. Becky is so accommodating to her stubborn bully husband. Plus, she gives a great speech later in the episode, but this isn’t about Becky. I learned from Jesse that you should treat your pregnant wife like the queen that she is! She is carrying your twins, you lunatic!

Speaking of twins:

7. Twins are cute. 
Nicky and Alex Katsopolis, are you kidding me? Cutest babies ever.

And anyway ignore Uncle J’s face in the left picture, mostly focus on the twins. I know John Stamos doesn’t have kids in real life, but if he did, I think they would be as cute or potentially cuter than his TV show twins. AND ALSO I hope Stamos still talks to the kids in real life. That’s my dream. Please don’t tell me if it isn’t true. 

8. All rules have exceptions. 

Jesse: Absolutely, like the one about don’t swim for an hour after you eat, I hate that rule; I mean yes let’s say you have a big dinner with a steak and baked potato and sour cream, then yes an hour. But what if you eat a cracker? Here is where the exception comes in, I say eat a cracker, wait five minutes, boom, get in the pool, a peanut… eat the peanut and swim, there’re all these, a whole range of exceptions.

My personal exceptions:

• Dating coworkers is okay if you keep it secret for awhile and one of you is willing to leave the job if the love is strong. Or the hate. 
• Wine counts as fruit, not alcohol.
• There are *always* exception(s) to rule(s) — which is an exception I love, and it came from a man I love, so I extra love it.

9. Never trust your cousin. 

Because he will try to get with your wife and you will have to set him up with a recorder in a bouquet of flowers.

10. How to make it snow. 
Okay hands down, no arguments, undeniably, the cutest thing in any sitcom ever (dammit, I think I overdid it, whatever) is when Jesse creates snow in the backyard for Becky’s Christmas. Becky, being from Nebraska, is having a hard time enjoying a non-white Christmas in stupid California (JK Cali, love you grrl), so her wonderful husband decides to, as he puts it, to buy 17, 000 snow cones.

Literally, this is perfect dude status. What a sweetheart. Any man who can save Christmas is a good man.

Featured image via my laptop because I have a thing about Jesse and Michelle, Nicky and Alex image via tv.yahoo.com, broken arms image via fullhousereviewed, which is my favorite blog of all-time and you guys should go to there.