Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From the Justin Bieber Christmas Album

Last year, my favorite Christmas related EINTKILF was about the N’Sync Christmas album. This year, I got to thinking that there just aren’t that many other hilarious pop holiday albums out there! And then I remembered that I am a Belieber, and what am I even thinking?

Please don’t hate me.

EINTKILF Under the Mistletoe, the Justin Bieber Christmas Album

1. People love meeting under the mistletoe.

Seriously, you would be hard pressed to find someone who loves mistletoe more than I do, but I certainly don’t stand around waiting under it all the damn time. What is this about?

“You’re my one and only Christmas wish/the mistletoe is where I’ll be waiting/meet me there.”

And then later, in another song:

“Waiting under the mistletoe/while you’re driving here through the winter snow.”

How long is this person’s drive? I mean, I think arriving to someone standing under mistletoe is a cute idea, but I don’t think I would be down to just wait. Why don’t you just perch yourself under the mistletoe when you hear the car pull up, duhhhh.

Also waiting under the mistletoe?

I mean…just sayin’.

2. Chestnuts roast in July.

“Everyone’s gathering around the fire/chestnuts roasting like a hot July/I should be chilling with my folks, I know/but I’ma be under the mistletoe.”

Ummmm, what? Chestnuts don’t roast like July, they roast like December! Helllllo?

And also, forget chilling with your family! What’s the point of that?

3. Men don’t care about frizz.

“Snow falling on your hair/and I don’t, I don’t wanna get it off.”

Dudes, listen. Don’t you know that snow is beautiful, but it is atmospheric water vapor and it’s just like rain on hair. And if you are anything like me, water ruins my perfectly straightened locks and then this cutesy portrait of a couple in love is ruined. By frizz. This is not a joke.

They should have said something about snow on her nose. Cause that’s actually cute.

4. SuperFestive! is a thing.

For some completely unknown reason, the Mariah and Biebs’ “remix?” version of the best song ever — ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’, of course — is called the “SuperFestive!” version. What makes it super festive?

You tell me.

5. Justin Bieber believes he should have been a part of the Bible.

“And I only spit heat cause I’m playin’ for the Son/playin’ for the King, playin for the Title/I’m surprised you didn’t hear this in the Bible/I’m so tight, I might go psycho.”

Now I am not, by any sense of the word, a religious person, but isn’t this kinda… not cool? Especially because he follows it up with “I’m so tight, I might go psycho.” And THEN, worst of all, he compares himself to Michael Jackson!

6. True love is eating all the cookies.

“You leave some cookies out/I’mma eat ’em all.”

NO THANKS, BIEBS. THOSE ARE MY COOKIES.

7. The North Pole is cold.

“We can fly to never, Neverland/to the North Pole, is that cold?”

I don’t know a lot of stuff, you guys, but I know that the North Pole is cold. Have you even seen Santa Claus’ outfit?

8. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

“Even at Christmas. I’ve changed my ways/keep running back and forth again/I’m here to stay.”

So in the song ‘All I Want is You’, The Biebs spends his time begging his lady to come back and be with him so he doesn’t have to do things like put up a Christmas tree alone. It is kind of sad and everything but then he says that line about not running around anymore, and I’m like…excuse me? I am supposed to empathize with a cheater? Uh uh, honey. Not even at Christmas time.

9. Covers of Christmas classics are the real meaning of Christmas.

I know I have been mocking JB this whole time, but I actually really appreciate his cover of ‘Silent Night’. And really, who could possibly sing ‘The Christmas Song’ wrong?

10. Christmas makes you deep, son.

The song ‘Pray’ is all about how The Biebs feels bad that he doesn’t finish his dinner even though some people are starving. And I really, really wanted to somehow mock this song, but then I felt like a jerk. And this isn’t about mocking Justin Bieber, because honestly…I am still rooting for the little dude.

And ’tis the season. So Merry Christmas, you Beliebers and non-Beliebers.

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