Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From ‘Full House’s Only Thanksgiving Episode

Hey, Happy Thanksgiving! What are you guys thankful for? Food, friends, and family? What about Full House, just to finish off that alliteration? Okay!

Listen, my friend Erin always gets mad at me for talking about stuff like Full House, but I can’t help it if there are not that many Thanksgiving movies and if my holiday season was consistently enhanced by the Tanner family. I just can’t change who I am. So, from me and mine (the Tanners) to you and yours, happy holidays.

EINTKILF Full House‘s Only Thanksgiving Episode

1. “There’s no miracle of Thanksgiving.”
Uncle Jesse is such a Thanskgiving Grinch, but who can blame him? He is bummed because Grandma can’t make it to Thanksgiving which means the yahoos are stuck trying to pull together Thanksgiving dinner ALONE. Gasp! Men can’t cook!

Danny: You don’t understand, my mom lives in Tacoma and she’s snowed in. She was supposed to make our Thanksgiving dinner for us.
Joey: It’s no problem, we’ll make that seven-course meal ourselves. How, you ask? The miracle…of Thanksgiving.
Jesse: You are a moron. There’s a miracle of Christmas and there’s Smokey Robinson and The Miracles, there’s Miracle Whip. But there’s no miracle of Thanksgiving.

I’m glad Uncle Jesse at least believes in the miracle of Christmas, but question: who’s going to make dinner then!?

Oh, and I wonder if Grandma lives in Tacoma, Washington. If so, holllllla at your girl! (Pacific Northwest pride, I am not claiming Tacoma. No offense.)

2. “If you read English, you can cook.”

They may not have any cooking skills, but Joey reminds everyone that they have a bunch of cookbooks and, as the lesson states, if you can read English, you can cook. So they put on a funky Temptations song and dance around while cooking. Problem solved.

3. Just kidding, that isn’t true!
Turns out, dancing around in unison in the kitchen does not a Thanksgiving make. Sorry, kiddos. You have to know what you are doing at least a little bit to pull off Thanksgiving dinner. Or any dinner, I’m assuming.

4. Stereotypes were rich in 1989.
But seriously, I know that there are plenty of men that don’t know how to cook, and I know that there are plenty of men who do know how to cook, but the emphasis on “oh no! We are men and we can’t do this without a woman!” is a little offensive. I mean, I know times have changed (kinda), but it is a little ridiculous in this episode.

5. Do not leave little girls in charge of cooking the main course.
Because why is everyone surprised when DJ’s turkey is not properly cooked?!? Isn’t she like ten years old? Granted, I could cook a whole dinner for my family when I was ten, I am different and awesome, and for the record, I don’t think I know how to cook a turkey still. I bet I could figure it out, but speaking of stereotypes…there is no way I would know how to carve that thing.

6. Frozen turkeys are always hilarious.
Pretty sure Ihave mentioned this before, but isn’t the frozen turkey bit the oldest and best in the holiday joke book? I mean, I know it is more sad than anything in this episode, but still. Old shticks die hard.

7. “People break things all the time.”

Stephanie: I–broke the pie.
Jesse: That’s all right. People break things all the time. It’s okay, no big deal. Everybody makes mistakes.
Stephanie: Not pie mistakes. 

Yeah, Stephanie. Not pie mistakes. What does that even mean? I know she’s upset because she dropped an entire pie on the ground and she thinks her late mother is disappointed in her, but what an over-exaggeration.

I am such a jerk. I shouldn’t pick on five year olds, and I am pretty sure I would cry my eyes out even at my old age if I dropped a whole pie. But also, Uncle J’s advice is solid. People really do break things all the time. There is no use crying over spilled milk, etcetera, etcetera.

8. A turkey isn’t worth 200 dollars.
So after Danny and the guys realize that DJ’s turkey is still frozen, they panic. And because there really is a miracle of Thanksgiving, two super hot chicks (I think we’re supposed to think they are super hot?) show up at the door with a piping hot turkey. The girls are at the wrong house obviously, but Danny offers them a bunch of money for their turkey before they go. Also, I think their outfits are cute. Also also, I bet if Danny had told them that the mother of his children had died in a tragic car accident and this was their first Thanksgiving without her, they would have forked that bird over without any cash bribe at all.

Oh yeah, and for some dumb reason, we are supposed to believe that Joey can’t get that bottle off of his tongue.

9. Holidays are depressing.
Read above sentence starting around “the mother of his children” and tell me that the holidays aren’t depressing. I mean, there is obviously a lot of joy and happiness and glee and yadda yadda during Thanksgiving and Christmas, but there is also just a ton of sadness. Especially if you have recently lost a family member. This episode made me cry–no shame. Any mention of Pam pretty much makes me waterworks-y, though. You know that episode where Kimmy and DJ fight about drunk driving? Woof.

10. Family is forever.
Cue the Full House music. If there is one thing this show was really good at, it was driving home really vital familial morals. I know a lot of the characters are relatively unrealistic, and not everything ends in an entire family hugging and going for ice cream, but I don’t even care, you guys. All of our families are corny in their own way, and I am happy to buy into the joy of the Tanners, et al. Especially on Thanksgiving.

I hope you all have a fun and eventful and love-filled week. Happy holidays!

Featured image via ; pretty girls image via fullhousereviewed (the funniest website ever).