Everybody’s Drunk Pizza Story

We spend our weekdays slaving away in our ergonomic swivel chairs, gazing into the latest iMacs while we periodically plan our evenings on the smudged touchscreens of our iPhones. When the weekend comes, we party. And after the party, we call the only pizza place we know will be open. It’s not the best pie around—not even close—but it does satisfy our drunk asses until we wake up the next morning full of regret, next to a pile of empty water bottles.

This is that story—from beginning to end.

• First, you must admit that you’re powerless against the tastelessness of a cheap pizza after a night of raucous partying.

• Having realized this, you then ask how many people can chip in on the pizza order, knowing you’ll be paying the largest chunk.

• You must then elect someone to make the call, since everyone has a sudden fear of the phone.

• You will pre-memorize your order (based on a group-vote of three toppings) and rehearse a speech of sorts since, for some reason, you get a little nervous as soon as someone answers the phone.

• Everyone will get their own individual sauce, since without it, most pizza establishments would be out of business. Majority will ask for creamy garlic, with the exception of the one who will opt for jalapeno cheddar, probably.

• You’re then asked if you’d like to make it a combo. You’ll senselessly say yes because you hadn’t built a response into your rehearsed speech. The pop in your combo will become a carbonated treasure when you or your friends wake up with an intense thirst and chug since the sink is too far away.

• As you’re about to finish your order, a friend will shout their sudden need for chicken nuggets and garlic bread. To which you will sign a “pay up” gesture, and comply.

• After the call, a conversation about pizza pre-dipping sauce will surge throughout the living room and quickly cut out as someone needlessly announces their need to pee.

• As this friend hits the john, your drunkest friend will then begin their ritualistic monolog on loneliness and talk about their ex, their latest crush or the lack of sex they’ve been having.

• Feigning interest, you turn on the TV and pop in a movie—something fun like Jackass or Project X, since there’s little chance you’ll see it through ‘till the end.

• A few friends will fall asleep before the pizza arrives, leaving more for you.

• The almost God-like pizza man will arrive a minute before it was free, carrying the grease-stained cardboard box like a precious jewel. You then pressure the friend who contributed the least amount of money to answer the door. They roll their eyes, grab the cash, and pay the pizza man. Your friend forges a drunk friendship with him.

• Your friend will return with the pizza in hand, and you’ll ask if there was enough money for a tip. But you’re drunk, so you could care less.

• You then realize you forgot to grab plates. You ask the group if they need one, with no intentions of actually getting them.

• Conversation stops while the pizza is eaten. Each bite makes up for your lack of success with the opposite sex this evening—kind of.

• Each of your friends will apply a different pizza-eating technique. Some go crust-first, others fold, others pick at/eat the toppings first, but most will follow the standard pizza-eating practice and save the crust for last.

• As a few friends bow out of eating, you ask to use their remaining dipping sauces. Germs don’t matter when you’re wasted.

• The two people still eating will standoff for the final slice. Each eater will offer the slice to the other, knowing they will resent that person if they grab it.

• At this point, the pizza won’t agree with one of your friends. They head to the washroom and will have disappeared by the time you wake up.

• As you take your last sad, remorseful bite, you glance at the mass of empty dip containers, half-eaten crusts and beer tabs that have littered your otherwise clean living room floor. You decide to clean it up in the morning, which you’ll immediately regret since it’s about two hours from now.

Featured image via DeezTeez