I don’t want to have kids right now — and it’s not just because I’m focusing on my career

Ask any newlywed couple the number-one question they get after saying “I do,” and chances are it goes a little something like this: “Sooo, when are you two going to have a baby?”

Umm, we just got back from our honeymoon, can we live?

Shortly after the cake is gone and the flowers die, people (usually well-meaning relatives) expect the couple to move on to the next major life milestone: starting a family.

But what if you want to put those plans on hold?

Last year, I wrote an essay about choosing my career over motherhood for the time being. When we first got married in 2014, my husband and I agreed we’d “start trying” when I turned 30…three years later.

Well, here we are, approximately seven months away from my 30th birthday and I’m nowhere near ready to have a baby.

I mean, I recently killed a succulent. I should not be responsible for another human life — I can barely take care of myself! Side note: Adulting is so overrated…

But I digress.

I originally said I was putting baby plans on pause for #CareerGoals, and while that’s certainly still true, there’s another reason I don’t want to have kids anytime soon:

I like our life right now.

While binge-watching early episodes of This is Us, Mandy Moore’s character confesses to her husband that she doesn’t want to have kids because she likes their life the way it is. Amen, sister friend!

As with most episodes of This Is Us, I started crying. Wait…would I ever be ready? What does this say about me as a person, as a woman? Does this make me selfish?

The short answer is no, of course not.

But if we’re being entirely honest, there’s another big reason I’m hesitant to have children right now — there are just so many things that could happen.

Within the last year, I’ve witnessed college classmates, Facebook friends and real-life friends lose babies due to miscarriages or stillbirths and have babies with special needs and health issues. I’ve witnessed others struggle to conceive at all.

So why rock the boat? Everything’s pretty good just the two of us (knock on wood), so I’d rather not risk it.

Truth of the matter is, I’m scared.

There are so many unknown variables, too many things I can’t control. And I fear that I’m not strong enough to deal with the difficulties. It’s too much.

But I suppose that’s the whole point. Let go and let God, right? You can’t plan for everything, and sometimes you’ve just gotta roll with the punches, which is really hard for a Type-A personality like me.

If anyone asks, I’m currently in the “let-me-hold-your-baby-and-give-it-back” stage. I will smother them with love and goodness and pinch their chubby cheeks until there’s no tomorrow. But I will not be producing future playmates anytime soon.

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