Things not to say to single people on Valentine’s Day

By Emily baines

February 2, 2016

By Emily baines

February 2, 2016

We’ve all been there: It’s Valentines Day (AKA S.A.D., or Singles Awareness Day), and we are single. Our happily coupled friends, in the midst of their card-buying and gift-giving suddenly realize that we are alone. Oh, the horror! In an attempt to cheer us up, our friends give us overly-zealous hugs, pat our shoulders, and promptly say the worst things ever.

“Don’t worry, it’s a commercial holiday, anyway.”

Actually, it’s not. Sure, Hallmark has taken over February 14, but Valentine’s Day began as a religious holiday in honor of the saint Valentinus. We know you are actually just placating us when you say that. And commercial or not, everyone celebrates it.

“You should try to find a date! You know, so you’re not alone.”

Thanks, but no thanks.

“Look at all the wonderful gifts my boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancé/husband/wife brought me!”

Look, we are so happy you’ve found true love. Truly. But today is not the day we want to hear about it, okay? Tomorrow we’ll totally squeal and clap our hands and tell you how awesome your significant other is. Today, let us single people sulk in darkness.

“I could totally set you up with someone! I know the perfect guy/girl.”

No, you don’t. Or you would have offered them up on any other day. You’re setting us up on a pity date. We don’t want your pity. We do want your booze.

“This must be so hard for you.”

Thanks. Thanks for that.

“You’re lucky you’re not in a relationship like me!”

Wow, talk about a backhanded compliment — to us single folks and your significant other. Do you kiss your S.O. with that mouth?

“Have you tried Tinder/OkCupid/eHarmony?”

You’re totally the first person to suggest that.

“Don’t worry. I just know you’ll find that someone special.”

I wasn’t worrying. But I’m sure glad to know you can predict the future.

“So, wait. What are you doing on Valentine’s Day?”

I don’t know, but I’m really glad you care enough to ask. We both know it will likely involve me, some liquor, and a rewatching of Thelma and Louise. You and your loved one want to join me?

“Here’s my advice on how to find true love.”