Dating apps that don’t exist, but should

Organically meeting someone at a coffee shop, flirting, and deciding to go to dinner and a movie together is so ten years ago. We live in a world where “swipe right” is a compliment and Tinder is a viable place to find a soulmate, or at least a solid date. Technology is really catering to our emotional needs, for better or worse. But there’s so much more we could be exploring geek-wise to enhance our super-savvy new love lives.

Dating could still be SO much easier and straight to the point. What if we could get all those awkward, uncomfortable aspects of a first date out of the way? Sure, it might make this whole love and romance thing seem a little clinical, but who has time for bad dates? I know I sure wouldn’t. Here are some dating apps that we think would help everyone out in their quest for love (or at least a fabulous time):

1. An app that revealed the reason why they broke up with their ex

I guess you can try to REALLY dig through the person’s Facebook, but chances are, you won’t find out the real reason why their ex either broke up with them. I know this seems like an irrational breach of privacy (it is, but this is all fictional, so work with me here), but wouldn’t it be nice to know what really happened? What if their last girlfriend or boyfriend wanted a baby and they didn’t? Now you know that they don’t want kids, and that could be important information for you. Or maybe they just didn’t want a serious relationship. That would be cool to know from the get-go.

2. An app that generated small talk, so your brain didn’t have to

The hardest part about getting to know ANYONE is the initial small talk. The “where you were born,” “what’s your favorite food” conversations that are essential, but nerve-racking. Because you never want there to be awkward silence. An app that would come up with tailored ideas would prevent this from happening. Maybe the app lets you fill out a questionnaire filled with small talk questions and when you meet, you both run your apps and let them talk amongst themselves while you two delve right into the meaty conversations about whether or not you loved Gone Girl. You know, the important stuff.

3. An app that rated your date’s demeanor with pets

Some people volunteer information about their pets on their dating profile, but a lot of times you have to wait for a few dates before you find out if they’re allergic to cats or skittish around dogs. And if you’re a proud pet parent, that could be a problem. It would also be nice to know if they’re crazy adorable with pets, because that may just add to their cute factor.

4. A basic hygiene app

I’m not a vapid person. I swear. But I dig cleanliness and hygiene, and finding out a person you are thinking about becoming romantically involved with never cleans his apartment or doesn’t know what nail clippers are is a huge turn off—at least for me. I would rather know about these things first then be surprised later. At the same time, you might be into someone who’s a little bit more mellow about their cleanliness routine. It would be great to know if you rate similarly on the 1-10 hygiene scale.

5. And finally. . .an app that allowed you to anonymously rate the date

Will we then become human Yelp reviews? Possibly. Is this a terrible idea? Most likely. But it would force people to be on their best behavior on the date. No checking your phone mid-conversation, no snide comments, not if you want to get two thumbs up. On the other hand, this totally takes the romance out of dating. But, if online dating has proven anything, its that we’re adaptable creatures.

(Images via BuzzfeedGiphy, Wifflegif)

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