5 Childhood Heroes I Hope I Never Meet

Last year, I had the honor of meeting one of my childhood heroes: the man who will always be my Superman, Dean Cain. And he was so outstandingly amazing in every way that I imagined that I’m convinced that I can never meet another childhood hero. Surely something disastrous would happen to balance out that perfect experience. It’s okay; I’ll just continue looking at pictures of my other heroes, because like Troy from Community says, “You can’t disappoint a picture.” Here’s who I’ll be looking at:

1. Pierce Brosnan

To this day, I cannot think of James Bond without immediately picturing Pierce Brosnan. I love Daniel Craig. I’ve watched all of the Sean Connery movies, and I really do agree that he is the quintessential Bond. But Brosnan is burned into my brain as Bond. He WAS Bond when I was kid. And as a side note, one of the reasons I’m obsessed with the movie version of Mamma Mia is because James Bond sings in it. With Mr. Darcy and Bootstrap Bill in sparkly one-piece jumpsuits. There is just no way I can meet this man without singing the Bond theme or “Waterloo” to his face. Therefore it’s better not to meet him at all.

2. Mike Myers

As a child of the ’90s, it’s a natural mental leap for me to go from Bond to Austin Powers. But I’ve realized recently I was influenced a lot by Wayne’s World. I remember laughing hysterically at Wayne in his underpants singing a la Marilyn Monroe to Cassandra. I remember wanting to be Tia Carrere (probably another person I shouldn’t meet) because she was pretty, and could sing and kick ass. I’m also not ashamed to admit that I love the first two Austin Powers movies. I can’t offer anyone chicken without sounding like Fat B**tard. So don’t invite me to any formal dinners, especially if Mike Myers is there.

3. Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer Aniston as Rachel from Friends was every girl’s style icon back in my day (which makes me sound much older than I actually am). We all wanted her hair. We all wanted her to just be with Ross already. We all… didn’t want her job until she worked for Ralph Lauren. She is still absolutely fabulous today. I don’t think the woman ages, and she’s still just as funny and talented. My dream would be that me and Jenn (I’d call her Jenn) would go to a coffee shop and chat when I should be at my job in the middle of the afternoon. But, in reality, I’d probably just embarrass myself within seconds of meeting her, and she’d look at me the way Rachel looked at Phoebe when she ran. I cannot meet Rachel Karen Greene.

4. Will Smith

Not all of us are West Philadelphia born and raised, but I was raised on The Fresh Prince. It didn’t matter what ‘hood you played in — everyone related to the Prince. We all shared in his trials and tribulations, whether he was stuck in the basement sitting on a flower pot because of an earthquake, dressed as a daisy in hopes of graduating, or dealing with deeper issues like his father coming back into his life. Because of Will Smith, it is one of my dearest fantasies to have someone apologize to me by beatboxing with bulldog and kitty-cat puppets. But, if I had the opportunity presented to me to meet Will Smith, I would probably shriek, “MAMA NOOOO!” and collapse on the nearest piece of furniture.

5. Cary Elwes

He’s the Dredd Pirate Roberts. He’s Robin Hood. He’s someone I should never, ever meet. The Princess Bride and Robin Hood: Men in Tights are canon quotable movies. You can tell if you met your Westley or Buttercup if they can respond to “No more rhymes now, I mean it.” Likewise, if someone tells you, “the night is young, and you’re so beautiful” and then bursts into a song in B flat, you MARRY that person. Cary Elwes’ two iconic characters from when we were kids have ruined romance for us – horses, swashbuckling, and tights?! Good lord, he’s basically a Disney prince two times. I’d rather meet actual royalty than Cary Elwes. Real princes I could probably deal with. Cary Elwes? I love him so much that if I got tongue-tied in front of him, I’d very quickly throw myself down a hill in embarrassment.

Who else would you add to this list?

Angela Dahl is an anglophile with severe addictions to sci-fi and sitcoms. Her idea of happiness is watching Netflix while eating burritos, though she also enjoys boxing training and reading. You can find her on Twitter because she’s still trying to figure out how tumblr works.

Featured Image via Shutterstock.