V Festival 2016: Hylands Park - Day 1
Credit: Samir Hussein/Redferns

We’ve only just begun to accept the fact that holiday season is upon us, but apparently Justin Bieber is already a step ahead of us. Uproxx reports that the Biebs has a New Year’s VIP party package for anyone with the courage, the balls and the (bail) money to hang with the singer when the clock strikes midnight on 2017. This could be the perfect way to recover from a New Year’s Eve breakup but let’s read the fine print to make sure a night on the town with Bieber won’t leave you heartbroken and dealing with holiday party anxiety.

Per TMZ, a measly $500K will get you the ultimate Justin Bieber experience which, to the dismay of many Beliebers, does not appear to include a Justin Bieber face tattoo. However, the VIP package does include:

  • tickets to Bieber’s New Year’s Eve Miami gig for you and nine (!) of your friends
  • a five-night stay for you and your squad at Fontainebleau’s Sorrento Penthouse with comped dinners, a cabana and a stage-side table at the concert
  • free use of exotic cars (ya know, like, Lamborghinis, Ferraris, McLarens or Rolls-Royces)
  • Private escort to Skrillex’s LIV set after the concert
  • A chartered yacht to STORY nightclub to see Marshmello perform
  • some $6,500 per bottle champagne (that srsly better be worth every drop)

OK, so this sounds ah-mazing, but there’s even more mind-boggling benefits. The half-mil also covers the day after recovery that is most essential for hardcore New Year’s Eve partygoers. The lucky (and loaded) package purchaser will also be treated to a New Year’s Day round of spa treatments, a Bloody Mary bar and an in-suite chef.

Obviously, this Bieber experience sounds too good to be true, and for many hopeful party people, the six-figure price tag makes it so. But we refuse to waste another second wishing that tears and envy could be used as currency. There’s a stock photo New Year’s party guide with our names on it, and fortunately self-pity didn’t make the invite list.