Britches Ain’t S**t: A Pant Related Rant

Dear the powers that be,

I am writing to express my concern regarding an overwhelming patriarchal archetype that has long poisoned the hallways and cubicles of the corporate world. A miscarriage of justice that has until now lay silent and unnoticed, like a panther in the night or an ugly Jonas Brother. I am referring of course to the abhorrent policy of pants in the workplace.

I have recently started work in a modern corporate office. I now spend my time saying things like ‘Oh, I’ll have that thing to you by 4” and “OMG, The Office is so much like my liiiife’. Between all the To-Do list writing and Gervais-stalking conspiracy theories, I have started to notice that I am the only one in the office who doesn’t like to wear pants. I should clarify that when I say ‘I don’t wear pants’ I mean that I wear dresses or skirts instead of pants, I’m not sauntering around the office like some kind of perverted Donald Duck impersonator. I spend my days surrounded by slacks-supporters and jean-devotees alike, their colour palates as varied as an emo kids Instagram account. And I, a concerned dress loving girl, am beginning to feel forced by the collective consciousness to conform to the doctrine of business-wear: the simple black pant-suit.

But I refuse.

Why must I wear this utilitarian uniform of drabity, why can I not don a summer dress with pride and dignity and perhaps a cute sandal?

Too long have the shapely calves of young professional women been caged and smothered behind the iron curtain of the trouser. The thighs of justice chaffed by the ill-fitting chino’s of patriarchy. It shall continue no longer.

I understand that you, as the over-lords of everything in existence, must be super-busy with maintaining equilibrium in the universe and processing paper-work and such so I have neatly summarized my argument for the abolition of pants from the workplace below:

1.   Historical

Some of the most prolific moments in history have occurred without the aid of pants. The most powerful empire in the world; the Romans Republic, was founded on the platforms of expansion, innovation and airy nether areas.  The Ancient Greeks created modern democracy wearing only togas; eventually spawning the rise of the popular vote, the abolition of slavery and the movie ‘Animal House’. The defeat of the British by William Wallace. Beards, Kilts even body paint… no pants.

Beyonce’s Single Ladies film-clip. Equally as awesome, equally as pants-less.

2.   Religious

Yeah that’s right, it’s in the bible, and the bible is never wrong….

Right there in the Old Testament, amongst all the smiting and the plagues and such, Moses told the children of Israel that “a woman shall not wear that which pertains to a man” (Deut 22:5 KJV). In modern English: When you wear pants, you are making baby Jesus cry. Jerks.

Additionally, the 1989 noble peace prize winner, pimp-daddy of compassion and all round awesome dude the 14th Dalai Lama wears a dress (robe, whatever). To be perfectly honest I sort of wish I could wear burnt orange as well as he does.

3.   Political

What do Hitler, Stalin and Kanye West all have in common? All maniacal dictators. All wear pants….. There are no coincidences.

4.   Financial

Modcloth may or may not be having a sale.

You may say “But Caitlin, it is not mandatory that you wear pants in the workplace. There is no-one holding a gun to head demanding that you slack-up or ship-out, there are many fine knee-length pencil skirts that are appropriate and business chic.”

To which I shall reply “Shhh, they are boring and I’m making a point.”

It is this: Khakis have carked it. They are antiquated and boring and dresses are much cooler. So I beg thee; leave the Levi’s, ditch the britches and take a step into a brighter and prettier future.

The winds of change are lapping at the scalloped hem of justice people! Silently threatening to expose the granny panties of liberty, it is time to embrace the skirt (metaphorically and literally, I’m not kidding it’s gusty out there).

I trust you will do the right thing.

Read more from Caitlin O’Brien here.

Featured image via.

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