I kept a diary while binge watching the entirety of “Twin Peaks” season one in a single weekend

In the midst of a hotly anticipated reboot, forthcoming book, and reissued vinyl soundtrack, David Lynch’s quirky whodunit series Twin Peaks is reinstating itself in the cultural radar. Lost in the hubbub of its resurgence, though, is the lone few who know little more about the show beyond its melodramatic soundtrack and images of the log lady.

In the interest of hopping on the bandwagon and understanding half of Etsy’s inventory, I decided to watch the first season of Twin Peaks in one weekend. Follow me down the rabbit hole.

~BEWARE: SPOILERS AHEAD~

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7d0Lm_31BE?feature=oembed

Episode 1 — “Pilot” / “Northwest Passage”

I hunkered down for this 90-minute affair alongside a cup of coffee and a generous slice of cherry pie, because I at least know enough about the show to be a binge-watching cliché. I’m immediately enchanted by the forest porn b-roll and borderline campy soundtrack by Angelo Badalamenti. I’m also smitten by Lucy, the Lynchian equivalent to The Office‘s Erin Hannon, and Deputy Andy Brennan, a wishy-washy klutz who has somehow found himself snapping crime scene photos between emotional breakdowns. Overall, I’m enthralled by this dysfunctional town and its shameless idolatry of a slain high school student. 

Closing thoughts:

* I will be referring to lungs as “air sacks” from here on out.

* Donna (played by the flawless Lara Flynn Boyle) is like normcore St. Vincent.

* Dale cooper’s dialogue with Diane in his tape recorder is hilarious, but I also hope Diane doesn’t exist, because that’d be an amazing twist.

Episode 2 — “Traces to Nowhere”

I’ve become even more enraptured by Special Agent Dale Cooper, thanks to his Gravity Boots workout routine, steadfast commitment to a “damn fine cup of coffee,” and fascination with JFK conspiracies. I also give him extra kudos for not falling prey to the manipulative Audrey — Cooper is Paula Abdul’s “Cold Hearted” personified and I applaud him for it.

Laura Palmer’s death seems to have begun a domino effect amidst the quiet logging town, sending residents into hysterical grief and exposing the seedy underground that plagues it. I’m also beginning to realize that I’ll need to consult a character map to keep all these friendships, affairs, and cahoots straight… this makes Game of Thrones look like an episode of Facts of Life. 

Closing thoughts:

* Nadine is a strange bird all-around. How did she land the adorably dim Ed?

* Cooper takes his coffee “black as midnight on a moonless night.” This guy is a damn poet.

* Dr.’s Jacoby’s whole aesthetic is like a suburban tiki bar.

Episode 3 — “Zen, or the Skill to Catch a Killer”

There’s no shortage of twists and turns in this serial, thanks to Cooper’s bizarre Dalai Lama-inspired investigation techniques — two concepts that only David Lynch can merge. I do appreciate that Cooper has affirmed my suspicion that Leo Johnson is not only a dirtbag, but a murderous dirtbag, too.

The instability plaguing Twin Peaks residents spirals into full-on insanity. I won’t even tread near Cooper’s dreams, because I simply have no words or understanding of where the story’s headed.

Closing thoughts:

* The traveling donut vault for the police chief is both a fantasy and a goal.

* What market does Nadine think she’s cornering with this silent drape runner of hers?

* The way Cooper is protective over the sheriff is one of the cutest gestures.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZAB4hauKno?feature=oembed

Episode 4 — “Rest in Pain”

Twin Peaks’ obsessive fascination with Laura Palmer is painfully evident in this episode, from the sappy eulogy delivered at her funeral to Leland Palmer dive-bombing his daughter’s grave. My casual hatred for Bobby has solidified into full-on loathing thanks to his obnoxious pyro theatrics as his father attempts to console him — not mention his death threats to James during Laura’s funeral. 

As Cooper’s eccentricities become more pronounced, I theorize that he must be the inspiration for Matthew McConaughey’s character in Wolf of Wall Street. Also, Ed and Norma were together? Excuse me while I damn fate for keeping those two apart. And Josie’s room is bugged? The double-crossing never stops in this town!

Closing thoughts:

* “I’m the sultan of sentiment.” —FBI Agent Rosenfield, the most pompous character to ever tread Twin Peaks.

* Laura’s red coffin seems significant. Stay tuned?

* Of course there’s a drug ring in this town.

Episode 5 — “The One-Armed Man”

Ok, maybe I actually majorly spaced out during my Saturday morning viewing, as this is the most confused I’ve been since beginning this debacle. I’m chronically bothered by the fact that Dr. Jacoby, the doctorate equivalent of Vacation Jason, keeps reappearing. His addiction to ginger and use of the words “penetrate” and “aject failure” in relation to Laura make me squeamish.

 Aside from the question of who Laura’s killer is, plenty of things continue to bother me, like Shelly continuing to be bed buddies with revenge hungry Bobby, and Hawk reciting poetry about his girlfriend in a gun range. Surprisingly, Audrey’s scheme to crack Laura’s case seems to be coming to fruition, despite the prospect of the Palmer women as mediums being introduced.

Closing thoughts:

* “File it under ‘f’ for ‘forget it.’” — Sass Queen Cooper

* Why is there a llama in Dr. Lydecker’s office?

* Norma’s lack of sympathy for Shelly’s abusive marriage is quite problematic, no?

Episode 6 — “Cooper’s Dreams”

The episode begins on a note that I can relate to — Cooper is not a morning person. When he’s abruptly woken by his chanting Icelandic neighbors, he loses all composure and pleasantries. I imagine he would excel at writing scathing Yelp reviews. 

The Great Northern Hotel seems to have morphed into a character of its own, acting as a social pressure cooker: we have Audrey beguiling Cooper with schoolgirl advances; Leland having a public dancing-related nervous breakdown in the ballroom; and some Packard-Martell paradigm that is beyond my understanding.

What’s really keeping me grounded in reality is the romances within Twin Peaks. I refuse to believe that Ed isn’t leaving Nadine for Norma because he’s too darn nice, and I don’t understand how Jerry wooed some Icelandic princess who gifted him with a leg of lamb. And let’s not gloss over the fact that Shelly finally summoned the courage to SHOOT LEO. I threw my fist in the air Breakfast Club-style when she finally pulled the trigger.

Closing thoughts: 

* The double-crossing happening amidst these people is insane. Now Josie is scheming with Hank?

* Welcome back, log lady! How I missed you so.

* Doesn’t eating donuts with latex forensic gloves on seem a little counterintuitive, Twin Peaks sheriffs?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRgA9UGI1fE?feature=oembed

Episode 7 — “Realization Time”

I’m still reeling from the fact that Audrey actually threw her naked self at Cooper, but I give him props for his unshakable equanimity in the whole fiasco. The romance that I’m mourning, though, is the one between Lucy and Andy, which seems to have ended abruptly.

I’m crestfallen to see that Shelly has a terrible shot and didn’t kill Leo, and that Leo had good enough aim to fatally snipe Waldo the Bird. In Laura Palmer developments, her troubling therapy tapes to Dr. Jacoby definitely tarnish the golden girl veneer that made her the town treasure.

Closing thoughts:

* Ed’s “disguise” mustache makes him look like Nacho Libre and I can’t even handle it.

* I’m a big fan of Cooper’s black coffee-fueled self-care ritual.

* LOL at Audrey using Hester Prynne as her alias and thinking she was being clever.

Episode 8 — “The Last Evening”

I’m immediately alarmed as silence descends upon the sleepy town, absent of the chirpy theme song. As many of the loose ends are tied in the finale, I’m overcome by outright confusion — but not before my heart starts to bleed for James and Donna as they listen to their murdered friend Laura P. sh*t talk them on her therapy tape. 

I literally saw none of these twists and turns coming: Nadine killed herself, Lucy is pregnant, Cooper got shot?! Nothing is sacred in this universe. I did, however, totally expect Leo to exact his revenge on Shelly after she, you know…SHOT HIM. How Shelly didn’t see that coming from a mile away is reprehensible. What I didn’t expect, though, is Leo being smart enough to fashion a time bomb.

As Cooper bleeds on his hotel floor, I have more questions than answers. And I cannot wait to start and finish the second season… but I’ll probably take more than three days to do the job.

Closing thoughts:

* “Quality sack time”— wordsmith Cooper referring to a good night’s sleep

* “As we say in the law enforcement game, it’s a cold trail.” —Andy RE: his one true love, Lucy.

* Hank forces Josie to take a blood oath with him. Really, a blood oath? What are you, a Buffy The Vampire Slayer b-plot, Hank?