Billie Lourd opened up about losing “goddesses” Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds

It’s been almost a year since the world lost Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, just one day apart from each other. Since the past year has been, undoubtedly, incredibly hard for Fisher’s daughter Billie Lourd, she hasn’t really opened up publicly about what she’s been going through since losing her mom and grandma.

Lourd is currently promoting American Horror Story: Cult, and she sat down with Ellen DeGeneres to discuss the show. She also talked about what life has been like since losing two of the most important people in her life, who she referred to as “goddesses.”

“It’s completely surreal,” Lourd told DeGeneres. “There’s no way to really explain it — it’s so hard to talk about. If I say I’m doing good, I’m too happy. If I say I’m not doing good, then I’m a mess. So it’s really hard to know what to say about it, because it’s so surreal and impossible to deal with.”

Lourd’s feelings are completely relatable to anyone who has grieved the loss of a close family member.

The actress also discussed the experience she had with her mom while filming Star Wars: The Force Awakens, which was her first acting job.

“I’m a big believer of things happening for a reason and I think I ended up on that movie for a reason, Lourd said. “It was really incredible for us to get to have that experience together.

Her mom was impressed with her level of comfort on set, and encouraged her to pursue acting in a real way. “I came home [from set] and my mom said to me, ‘You know, this is really weird that you’re comfortable here,’” Lourd said. “‘This is one of the most uncomfortable environments in the world. If you’re comfortable here, you should act.’”

You can watch Billie herself on American Horror Story: Cult, which airs Tuesdays at 8 p.m. ET on FX.