Kit Steinkellner
February 16, 2016 2:39 pm
Benefit Cosmetics

You can’t go outside anymore without putting on POREfessional because it makes your face look flawless and perfect like you Instagram filtered yourself in real life.

The Benefit mannequin lady tells the corniest dad jokes in her thought bubbles BUT YOU ALWAYS LAUGH A LITTLE. Always.

Benefit Cosmetics

  You can’t decide whether Erase Paste or Fake Up or Boi-ing works better as concealer, so you buy them all, and you wonder why your credit card bill makes you cry every month.

A solid 60% of your brand loyalty comes from the bang-up job they do on the packaging. Which makes you feel kind of weird and manipulated. But then you look at the packaging and feel better.

Speaking of aesthetics, every time you open your makeup bag and see your Benefit swag, you feel like a 1950s Hollywood movie star who’s also secretly a Russian spy and you like that feeling, YOU REALLY LIKE THAT FEELING.

Sometimes you stare off into space wondering if the bold claims Benefit product names REALLY hold up. Like how much more oxygen is Oxygen Wow REALLY giving your face than it was already getting from, like, the air?

And also how They’re Real implies that the mascara is so voluminous it makes you look like you have fake lashes on, but real talk, it just makes you look like you have mascara on. Great mascara, but still.

If they want to go bold with a name, they should just rename the Porefessional “Real Life Instagram Filter.”

We would be remiss if we didn’t talk about the Benefit store. The Benefit store is Fairytale Dreamland.

And even if you came in fully intending to only get your upper lip waxed and THAT’S IT you will inevitably stumble out of there with cartoon stars dancing around your head and your eyebrows/eyelashes tinted.

If you live near a Benefit and a Sephora you always feel SO guilty getting your Benefit products from Sephora, like you are betraying your people, but a girl’s got to rack up those VIB points somehow.

Basically, anyone who’s obsessed with Benefit is just grateful that wonder twins Jean and Jane Ford founded this great company in 1976. Yes, that’s right TWINS invented Benefit, because this level of magic obviously couldn’t come from any ordinary team. Also, now their daughters/nieces are Benefit’s Global Beauty Ambassadors. Thank you for slaying all these years, Ford ladies, here’s to 40 more years of crushing it on the regular.

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