Kit Steinkellner
Updated May 10, 2014 @ 9:52 am

Sometimes you read a piece and it seems like it’s an Onion article and then you look up at the heading and see that it’s from an actual news source and you go “This is REAL LIFE? I need to go back to bed forever.”

That’s how I felt reading about the new pushup bra that’s surgically implanted under your skin. Yes it’s exactly what it sounds like, yes it’s exactly what you’re thinking. The “Orbishape“(which sounds like it belongs in a dystopian YA novel or a Stanley Kubrick movie or an episode of “The Jetsons” penned while the entire writing staff was super high) is a “bra-shaped silicon sling” that goes into your breast tissue and is attached to your breast bone and ribcage with titanium anchors and surgical threads.

“Think of it as a hammock that sits underneath your breast to keep it supported, or like the bottom part of an underwire bra,” Yossi Mazel, the chief operating officer of Orbix Medical, told ABC News.

This is not a bra, this is a boob job.

So why do we need an internal push-up bra when we already have external push-up bras that we can wear or NOT wear whenever we want? One of the best things about putting on pajamas is getting to take your bra off. Why would we want a bra inside of us all the time? Why do we need titanium anchors and surgical threads inside our boobs? I do not want to go through airport security with that. I do not want to go through life in general with that. And the sling is made of silicon (a material also used in breast augmentations) and you guys, that stuff does not age well inside the human body. Maybe the silicon in the sling functions differently than the silicon in implants, but in implants there are all sorts of complications like leakage (I know), connective tissue disorder (I KNOW), and a spike in breast cancer incidents (I know I sound like a broken record here, but I KNOW I KNOW). I don’t need my breasts pushed up to my chin on a regular basis, but if I do feel like looking like a Kardashian every once in a blue moon I can go to Victoria’s Secret, plunk down fifty bucks, and get a push-up bra I can wear it on the outside of my body, and when I take it off, my breasts will just be breasts, which is just how I like them THANK YOU.

Let me say right now that not all boob jobs are created equal. There is reconstructive surgery after you’ve had a mastectomy, and breast reduction surgery if your breasts cause you too much pain. There are reasons for going under the knife that makes sense to me. If the “Orbishape” co. really is an advance in modern medicine, then great for modern medicine. But if this is just cosmetic surgery designed to play on our body insecurities, then I call shenanigans.