Because there are those days when you wake up and everything just feels WRONG. Maybe it’s because you ate a whole pizza the night before and for dessert had a grilled cheese or you drank all the drinks even though your body was like, “How about we drink fewer drinks?” or you hooked up with that person you had no business hooking up with or you cyber-stalked and thought mean thoughts about women you had no business cyber-stalking or thinking mean thoughts about or your cat threw up or REALLY JUST ANYTHING. You wake up and your life is wrong. Your clothes are wrong. Your brain is wrong. Somewhere you made a wrong turn. You should’ve traveled to Nicaragua when you had the chance that one time and why are you not learning Japanese/living in a different city/getting your Masters/riding your bike to work/flossing/cross-stitching/dating better humans/reading the literary canon? You are a FULL ADULT and you have never even seen that PRADA STORE ART THING in Marfa. WTF.

And when you are in this mode, this morass of dissatisfaction and melancholy and disappointment, when you are short and discourteous to those who love you because really all you want to be doing is kicking things at other things or listening to sad music while staring at yourself in the mirror while crying or treating a vat of chocolate ice cream like it’s a trough and you are a hungry goat, when you actually probably have gruesome PMS but seriously f*ck anyone who suggests this, you should listen to Bob Dylan’s giant-pretty, life-altering poem “Last Thoughts On Woody Guthrie” until you have committed it to memory.

Conversely, you should buy yourself a killer lipstick and put it on and go out and just make yourself get over yourself.

If you go the lipstick route, may I suggest two options: this splash-out, on-a-credit-card, I’ll-deal-with-it-later, limited-edition Kyoto Red Silk, which comes in a Bond villain-ness tube, is the most expensive makeup item I’ve ever purchased but also the BEST makeup I’ve ever owned, and is ruling my life exceptionally hard right now. Or, more affordably, this new Matte Revolution Lipstick line from Urban Decay in the perfect shade of —going for it, yes—Temper.

If you go with Bob, this is for you: