Dear Former Brighid Who Thought She’d Look Good Blonde,
You’re an idiot.
When those photo manipulating beauty editors came out on the internet years ago, and your brother Paul and sister Molly messed around with everyone’s picture in the family giving them crazy hairstyles, they vehemently stated that you’d look horrible blonde. NEVER GO BLONDE, they said.
And you believed them.
Albeit they messed around with your 6th grade class picture and you did have the Jennifer Aniston haircut along with baby fat and no make-up, but still. Somewhere deep inside you, you believed that–someday–you would look good as a blonde.
You were wrong. Blondes do not have more fun. Instead, they receive unsolicited advice from people who are more than happy to dish it. And THAT is the lesson you’ve received from this: Family will be honest without your consent.
First, let’s take your 6-year old niece’s first reaction: “You look better brown.” Or how about your mother’s first reaction? “Well at least you’re young enough to get this out of your system. When you get older, you can’t do these dramatic hair changes.” (We still have proof of your afro moment in the 70’s, you ridiculous Irish-looking woman.)
Actually, let’s scratch that. The major lesson to be learned is this: People will be honest without your consent.
Even though you only visit her when your eyebrows get to a furry, hairy, inconsolable point (approximately every 6 weeks), your eyebrow waxer, Zara’s, first reaction: “Oh, honey! Blonde makes you look older.”
Of course your reply is, “Oh, that’ll be nice to look a little older.”
“Oh, honey,” she replied again in her rich Iranian accent. “Remain your age. The darker color makes your eyes pop. You want your eyes to pop, right?”
And I do, Zara. I really do. It’s just, well, I’ve never been blonde, and I had my Lindsey Lohan moment, and I now realize that I’d prefer my dark signature long brown hair instead of this frizzy, dry mess where it feels like I’m sitting in a deep conditioner mask more than letting my locks flow in the dry Arizona wind…
Former Brighid, if you should realize in years to come that you might want to go blonde again, remember how you also thought that you’d look better with a spray-on tan along with your golden locks which actually made you appear from another race (one from Latin America, or maybe even another planet far, far away). Overall, just realize how much you dislike unsolicited advice rather than regrowing healthy hair for the next two years.
Love, Brighid Who Sees the Light
(And it’s a dark light.)
(In reference to my future hair color.)
(For those who don’t get it.)
For future reference:
For more from Brighid Tomasik here.
Featured image via.