Baller For Life & Death: Surround-Sound Coffin

Let me give you the rundown: A Swedish man, Fredrik Hjelmquist, designs surround-sound coffins. At a bargain price of $30,000, these coffins also offer fitted cooling systems and “god-like comfort with an angelic interior.” The tagline for this? “Embrace your passion for music in this life and the next.”

You know those late night infomercials that, for a minute or two you can’t tell if it’s a joke or serious? And then you order the anti-anxiety thing for your dog? This is not a joke. This pimped out coffin is being pushed hard. When asked why he chose such an expensive vessel, he said, “Someone needed to design a casket that’s really rock n’ roll…but at the same time beautiful. Ozzy Osbourne should buy one, I think, or Keith Richards.”

So he’s waiting on famous rock musicians to die to really get the business going?

I can no longer discuss this. Now, don’t get me wrong, I would love to take naps in this thing, but this makes absolutely no sense. We all have different religious beliefs, so excuse me if I state something you might disagree with, but when the body dies, the soul goes to heaven. That’s why people choose cremation or offer up organs: because the body is a vessel, and when you die, that vessel is empty.

Now, when it would come in handy is if you were buried alive. Can you imagine waking up to Taylor Swift and you’re like, “Noooooo! I’ve ended up in hell!” Just kidding, T-Swift – we’ve got mad love.

This is just beyond silly. This is truly the most pointless thing I’ve ever heard of. Sadly, though, does anyone else want to suddenly die and go jam out in your new hip-tastic boom box? Hjelmquist, says he’s going out to opera music (shocker!) but if I had to choose, I’d jam to Hootie & the Blowfish. Why? Because None. Of. This. Matters. This is one of the first times you can knock the hustle.

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