52 thoughts I had while watching this week’s second episode of “The Bachelorette”

Second Bachelorette episode of this week? Wowzer. Let’s go.

1. Chris Harrison, truly, the people don’t have endless hours to devote to The Bachelorette. Thus, I am watching this episode on Wednesday and not Tuesday when the show aired. Apologies. 

2. Really serious stuff is going on but all I can think about is that Robbie’s hair looks like it’s supported by a “bump it.”

3. Chad is currently giving the most disingenuous apology of all time (for scaring the bejeezus out of Evan/America). He’s also subtly burning Evan by saying that his shirt is only worth $20. 

4. The pool party is beginning and naturally there is a slo-mo shot of JoJo taking off her crocheted top.  

5. The boys do a synchronized dive and Evan gets a bloody nose.

6. Chad: “Apparently Evan just bleeds thinking about me.” 

7. I will say that JoJo and Jordan actually look like a couple and they’re darling.  

8. JoJo wondering if things with Jordan are “too good to be true” is further evidence of her feelings. It’s also exactly what Ben said about Lauren B. FWIW. 

9. My roommate (a quiet hero in this Bachelorette thought series) just raised an interesting point about kissing multiple people in a row. Is there an etiquette? Must teeth be brushed? A mint consumed? 

10. JoJo with a hilariously potent quote to Chad: “Man, you’re lathered up.” 

11. Chad’s description of Evan is thus: “Bleeding, crying, sensitive guy with kids.” 

12. Question about life in the house: Do the guys make themselves dinner?  

13. One thing I really like about JoJo is that you can always count on her to wear sparkles to important events, like a rose ceremony. 

14. I have truly no idea who she’s going to send home, but I know she will not be sending home Chad. He’s just such good television.  

15. My roommate’s opinion on Grant: “He looks like someone who should be in stock photos.” She’s not wrong. 

16. For this season’s final two, my money is on Luke and Jordan.  

17. It is truly crippling that Vinny the barber has such a bad haircut. 

18. In other hair news, Ali (with the exceptional hair) is definitely going home. Never forget. 

19. Chad, on the other hand, will 100% stay. 

20. Tonight we say goodbye to Christian, Ali, and Nick. 

21. Plot twist! They’ve left LA and are going to…Pennsylvania.

22. JoJo with an epic quote: “It feels so good to be in Pennsylvania.” 

23. Evan expressing his masculinity in his new surroundings: “It’s manly, rugged. There’s just something about it that I really feel comfortable with.” 

24. Luke is going on the one-on-one with JoJo and he’s actually adorable. 

25. Meanwhile back at the house, everyone is bundled up and Chad is literally tanning. 

26. Tonight’s editing award goes to this moment with Chad talking about his fighting philosophy, while they casually show B-roll of a bear walking through the forest.  

27. There is officially going to be a two-on-one with Chad and Alex and it might be the best thing to happen on television in 2016. 

28. Another thing I like about JoJo, she always seems incredibly genuine in her confessionals. 

29. Her date with Luke also now includes a casual Dan + Shay concert. 

30. “JoJo has a lot of leather jackets.” – My roommate. 

31. The group date is playing football, which again, not totally fair seeing as Jordan was a literal professional football player.  

32. I’m also not totally cool with JoJo getting love advice from Ben Roethlisberger. 

33. Shout out to this important beanie that Luke wore. 

34. Evan while playing football, “I’m in beast mode.” Very soon after making that statement he got a bloody nose.  

35. Robby is very cute but there’s something weirdly sinister about him and the bump it thing only gets more pronounced.

36. JoJo re: this kind of  weird day, “Today was so cool and so fun. it was great to see these guys give it everything they had. Today was easily one of the best days of my life.”

37. Jordan is getting jealous of the other guys and I sorta kinda think she’s gonna give him the rose. 

38. Snaps for myself for being right (she gave him the rose because he’s the one she actually likes.) 

39. It will never stop being funny to me how close these guys sit together on the couches.

40. Like, literally, look: 

41. While they’re waiting for the two-on-one Chad is saying super calm and normal stuff to Jordan: “When this ends you go home. You go home. And when you go home, you think I can’t find you?”

42. All the guys are in the house are terrified that Alex is going to be sent home after this two-on-one. They’re calling the date the battle of “good vs. evil.”  

43. Chad: “Today’s like a one-on-one with JoJo where we just have this needy little guy trailing behind us.” 

44. FINALLY it’s getting through to JoJo that Chad is actually dangerous and insane and all it took was hearing that Chad threatened Jordan. Because she loves Jordan. 

45. An enraged Chad just threw his tiny camping cup into the river. A powerful message was sent. 

46. Chad is now fully enraged that Alex spoke about him to JoJo and is whistling while walking through the woods and everything is terrifying.  

47. Chad to Alex: “It’s just unfortunate I can’t hurt you right now without getting in trouble.” 

48. Alex: “I don’t like milk.” Chad: “You should milk’s delicious.”

49. Chad is going home and Alex is so relieved he honestly looks like he’s going to cry

50. Meanwhile back at the house, the men are celebrating their #Chadless existence with champagne and party popper. 

51. But it’s totally not over. Chad is wandering Blair Witch-style through the woods and knocking on the house door. 

52. Chris Harrison sure knows how to do a cliff hangar. See you in two weeks.