“At this point, if a boy expressed interest in me, I would just be suspicious….

“I’m thinking about waking up at 7 am to do laundry so it’s probably time…

“I heard guys like girls who are mysterious so I put a fog machine under…

“The pic of pizza that I posted on Instagram got more likes than the pic…

“Overheard during a long-overdue cleaning out of my desk: ‘You know, there’s this show called…

“My relationship with my dad is kinda like my relationship with my internet provider in…

“It’s 1:45 and I just realized I haven’t had any caffeine today, or killed anybody…

“If you want your life to look it does in magazines, cut pages out of…

“Complaining is one of my stronger talents.”-@hipstermermaid

“RIP my vegetarianism, you lived a good two weeks” – @ghostpatrol

“I wouldn’t call myself a “local celebrity” but I do live in constant fear of…

“Someday I hope to be able to wink at someone without feeling like a perv…

“If you think coughing up flem is sexy -come on over boyz.”-@spacecadetsteph

“The woman at Dunkin Donuts called me sir this morning.”-@Kristin_Mahoney

“I have so many fans. Pieces of paper i folded up and wave at my…

“Home Alone is funny when it’s about a kid; not so much when it describes…

“Almost just broke my neck dodging a mosquito which turned out to be a piece…

“‘Hey Girl, you look aite. Lemme mess up your hair.’- Humidity, to me.”-@Marr_I_am

“I bet the NSA mocks me because 75% of the calls I receive are from…

“Nothing spells confidence like 2 third graders pointing at your butt and laughing…” -@kirbylovesstuff