Attention, Parents: Please Never Discuss Your Kid’s Sex Life

One of my favorite parts of the Olympics is watching the athletes’ parents. Seeing their pride and hopes for their kids kills me everytime. And that post win/loss tearful embrace? Forget it. I’m crying on my couch as if I’m a member of the family.

It’s got to be emotional and intense for everyone in the family. These athletes basically have devoted their lives to a singular goal lasting a few minutes or moments. I get why so many of the athletes are close to their moms and dads, who have witnessed all the hard work that comes before. But then there’s too close.

Ike Lochte, I totally understand that you and your son are tight. If I had an Olympic gold medalist as a child, I’d probably be bragging about him to every person I’d meet. If people said ‘Hello’ to me, I’d respond, ‘My son is a gold medal swimmer.’ I’d feel compelled to share, too, but let’s agree to draw the line at your child’s sex life. Okay? No discussing his busy schedule limiting him to one-night-stands. And I know that according to your media coached statement that by ‘one-night-stands’ you meant dates instead of brief nights of banging. Noted. But still. Let’s stick to swimming. (Besides, with that standing order of 100,000 condoms per Olympics, it’s not like we don’t know what goes on in the Olympic Village anyway.)

I actually think it’s great for parents and kids to be able to have open and healthy conversations about sex. In my hometown, it was the super religious kids whose parents thought even mentioning the word ‘kiss’ was a sin that ended up as teen parents. I think it’s awesome for parents and their kids to be friends and relate to each other as people. I watched Gilmore Girls. I understand the allure of the mom-child BFF thing, but there’s a line. Discussing safe sex and whatnot? Fine. Anything that would make a Cosmo editor blush to reprint? Not so much. Or even go ahead and get into it with mommy dearest. I personally would pass out if I ever heard either one of my parents say the words Kama Sutra, but whatever works for your family is fine by me. Just don’t share all the juicy details with the rest of the world.

Ike, I have to give you, or at least Ryan’s new PR team, credit that you recognized the creepiness of your comments and quickly explained and amended them. You sidestepped the creepiest celebrity parent landmine of all, the brazen sexual overshare. You have nowhere reached the ranks of Lynne Spears, who dished all the details of Britney’s deflowering at fourteen (amidst the height of Britney’s turmoil no less), or Joe Simpson, who felt the need to discuss the sexiness of Jessica’s cup size.

Lynne and Joe have nothing on Kris Jenner, though. My feelings on Kris Jenner are always a complicated mix of respect and repulsion. She is possibly the most brilliant businesswoman of our time (yeah, that’s right, I said OF OUR TIME) for being able to turn her daughter’s sexual escapades into an empire. Recent reports have even surfaced that she might not only have capitalized on the sex tape, but brokered the sale herself. That’s taking it to another level. But she and the rest of the Kardashian klan are laughing all the way to the bank, so I guess that level is multimillionaire.

I realize that success might encourage others, but can we all have it in writing that parents will never publicly acknowledge their children as sexual beings? If your kid is talented, please be advised that I don’t need to know how that translates to the bedroom.


Kourtney and America

(Image via Shutterstock).

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