A Prayer To The Wedding Gods…

As my upcoming nuptials approach, I beseech you, the Wedding Gods, for divine intervention so that I, the bride to be, don’t eff it up.

Maybe you live atop Mount Olympus or perched upon branches of the Banyon trees of India. Perhaps you sit on Heavenly clouds, swim the depths of the Dead Sea, frolic in an ancient grove of Oaks, drink mead in Valhalla or pluck at a series of 0’s and 1’s from a DJ booth Matrix style, but whereever you are, please have mercy. Here are a few specific prayers in need of your attention:

  1. Please do not let my hair end up looking like the Bride of Frankenstein.
  2. Please do not let me look like a hooker in all the make up I have to wear (though I am okay with looking like a high end escort).
  3. Please do not let me spill something on my dress.
  4. Please let me fit into my dress.
  5. Please let the little bat wings under my arms miraculously disappear. Conventional working out seemed to have no effect. Clearly you need to get involved here as it was a basic flaw in your anatomy design, no offense.
  6. Please make sure I don’t wake up with a massive cold sore on my face the day of.
  7. I would appreciate it if I could avoid any “lady business” but if that should prove too complicated, at the very least please make sure that there is no evidence of said lady business. I’m trying to be classy here – please don’t make me get anymore specific.
  8. Please don’t let the room we are getting ready in turn suddenly into an episode of the Real Housewives. Let it be drama free and let all the participants keep their mouths shut regardless of they feel about their hair or dresses.
  9. Please don’t let there be anything in my teeth as I walk down the aisle.
  11. Please keep my nervous laughter at bay as I say my vows.
  12. Please don’t allow me, because of said nerves, call my husband to be some other name like Bob or Victor. His name is MATT. Got it?
  13. Please don’t let anyone to get too drunk, including me.
  14. Please let the food be good. Please make allowances for the picky eaters in my family. If I see one person with just a single piece of broccoli on their plate saying, “No, I’m fine,” I will be super annoyed.
  15. Please let everyone be happy with the seating arrangement. If they are not, can you compel them to sit there regardless, with a smile on their face so that I don’t notice?
  16. Please don’t let anyone talk crap about me or my dress or my lack of a spray tan, at least until I am well out of ear shot.
  17. Please do not let anyone bring up some horribly embarrassing and or tragic even in my past as fodder for their wedding toast. I realize I was no saint before I got married and obviously, you realize this too – but my elderly aunts don’t need to know this.
  18. Sun would be ideal, but if that doesn’t fit in with your other plansm then just normal weather will be fine. Hurricanes, typhoons, tornadoes – those kind of “events” would be hard not to take personally, especially now that we have this rapport going.
  19. Can you kind of do an opposite thing where the camera takes off 10 pounds instead of adding it?
  21. Please just let me be able to enjoy this day. Suffuse the oxygen around me with a god-like Valium/Xanax  spell magic thingy so that it is impossible for me to worry about the guests and how it’s all going.  In fact, feel free to do that anytime, starting now.


We aren’t talking weddings at the Heatley Cliff this week, instead we are bringing clothes from 1800-1930s into your current wardrobe. Not as grandiose a theme, but certainly stress-free!

(Image via ShutterStock.)

Filed Under