A Plea for Airplane Etiquette

Whether you travel a short distance or half a world away, I’m pretty sure we all encounter the same kind of people on the plane. Here’s my plea to all the travel bugs out there.

Parents who bring their kids on the plane… You know why your newborn is crying nonstop? It’s because they feel bad for you. Your child knows how many eyes are on you — travelers wishing you weren’t on board, or worse, traveler’s hoping they can stow you and your kid away on the overhead compartment bin. I get it, parents, you want your 3-month old baby to experience travel. Guess what? They won’t remember it (What are you gonna say, “Hey, remember when you were 3 months old and we took you to Paris?) I hate to break it to you, big daddy, but that trip doesn’t count. Unless your kid is at least 8 years old, old enough to appreciate travel, please leave them babies home.

Tall people, have the courtesy not to kick my seat. Please. I know it’s hard, especially when you’re a giant flying in such a cramped airplane like Spirit Airlines, but what did I do to deserve a guy kicking my seat for four hours?

Traveling makes us all tired. Believe me, I know. But what sort of satisfaction do you get yawning so loud that you sound like a hungry whale? I mean, if you’re sitting all the way at the end of the plane, there’s no reason for us toward the front to be able to hear you. What’s that? Is that the sound of your mouth tearing because you have it open THAT wide? Yawn away, but please do us all a favor and do it silently.

Speaking of silent, if you have to let a silent fart go, please, please do it in the bathroom. Actually, any fart — loud or silent but deadly — please release them in the bathroom! The air is so compressed inside the plane. Any kind of smell lingers. No one wants to taste what you had for lunch through your fart. It’s disgusting!

And what can you possibly be doing inside the bathroom for soooo looonggg? You’re not at home (where you could possibly end up cleaning the toilet even if your only intention was to pee) or at a friend’s house (where you could for sure be checking their medicine cabinets or smelling every lotion they have available). What are you doing inside the plane lavatory for 20 minutes? Here are my three guesses: either something illegal, you fell asleep or you’re rearranging the toothbrushes provided in there. Because imagining someone pooping in an airplane bathroom is just too difficult for me to do or understand. Ew.

Next time you fly, please not only fasten your seatbelts but also consider being nice to your 200-plus neighbors for the duration of your flight. Playing “nice” is relative, but this definitely includes holding on to your farts until you can fully enjoy the rotting smell privately.

You can read more from Fernie Tiflis on her blog and follow her on Twitter.

Feature image via.