8 Crimes Only Your Dog Can Get Away With

It takes an uncomfortable amount of honesty to say this, but I let my dog get away with more things than I’m willing to admit. He’s just so damn handsome. His golden brown eyes, droopy jowls and perfectly executed high fives make me want to give him everything his heart desires. Used shopping bags, empty water bottles and dingy old sandals from 2003 are his for the taking. I know, it’s crappy parenting, but if it brings him 6 seconds of bliss, I’m willing to do it.

Dog owners, can you blame me? Aside from being supremely cute and always happy, dogs are like our guardian angels. They’re loyal companions and fierce protectors. It’s hard saying “no” to an extra treat when there’s so much to love. I am not at all condoning bad doggy behavior. I’m just telling you about my wimpy ways. Regardless of our doggy parenting style, there are just some things we let our dogs get away with. Could you imagine if our friends hung their head out the window every time they were in the car?  Let’s run down these 10 serious (and not-so-serious) crimes that only your dog can get away with.

1. “Accidentally” disconnecting the Internet

Your beloved dog wants to be with you everywhere — the kitchen, the bathroom even the home office. So when your dog goes underneath the desk to investigate the contents of your trash can, your dog also runs a high risk of tripping over some vital lines of connection.

2. Disobeying traffic laws

“Click it or ticket” means diddly squat when you can hang your head out the window. Even though you may worry for your dog’s safety, they’re much too busy enjoying the jowl-flapping breeze. You now realize it might be time for a car seat.

3. Pretending to be “busy” when it’s time to do something very important

When it’s time to take a bath or go on a mandatory bathroom break, your dog will pretend to be unconscious. . . or on an important phone call. I guess it just depends on the breed.

4. Bathing on an irregular basis

Rolling around in those “special” smells at the park warrants that bi-monthly bath. It doesn’t make it any easier to see your dog’s wet face of misery. “It’ll be over soon,” you say. “Never again,” say your dog’s eyes.

5. Slapping you, and disguising it as a high five.

Teaching your dog how to high five or “shake” can put you at a higher risk of being slapped across the face with a paw. Trust me, I have the scars to prove it. If you’re anything like me, you will reward your dog for the effort, hoping it was just bad aim.

6. Brandishing a dangerous weapon

Those wiggly little emotion meters on the end of your dog’s butt can be hazardous, especially if your dog is a larger breed. As great as it is to see your dog’s smiling face, you don’t want to put yourself in harm’s way. Helpful tip: During moments of excitement, it’s best to stay away from bodies of water and cliffs.

7. Hoarding vital accessories like bras, panties and socks

Are there any dogs out there who would like to speak to this? What is it about socks and bras and panties that you love so much? We buy you toys and bones and all sorts of goodies. I don’t understand why you can’t just play with those.

8. Stealing food 

You should know by now that nothing, and I mean nothing, gets between a dog and off-limits people food. Those of you who have been robbed know that this is a very strategic move that takes a lot of nerve. By the time you discover those naked chicken bones on the ground, it’s too late. Your dog’s mission was accomplished.

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