8 ways sex can be different with an older S.O.

Sex is a completely different experience with every person you have it with, which is what makes it so exciting every time you start to date someone new. Even though there will (most likely) always be variety in your sexual experiences, I have learned one thing to be true over the years (for me), which I used to think was a total myth: Sex with an older partner has always been more enjoyable than with a person my own age. I didn’t set out on a mission to prove this to anyone. It just sort of happened that way.

I haven’t always dated older guys, but in the last few years of my life I’ve fallen into relationships with people who are a bit older. My current partner, who I’ve been with for two and a half years, is 17 years my senior. My boyfriend before him was a decade older. In between the two I casually dated guys who had a few extra years on me. I’m here to report that some of the most memorable, mind-blowing sex I’ve ever had in my life was with some of these chaps. In fact, the first time I ever had an orgasm during intercourse was with my first older boyfriend, and it kept happening with most older guys after that. This didn’t happen because I was choosing guys who were especially gifted at knockin’ boots, but rather because these guys were simply more experienced.

This might not be true for all guys who are a little older — and I can’t speak for whether the same is true for older women — but it has certainly been the case for me the majority of the time. Here are eight ways sex is different with an older partner, from my own experience.

1. They know more about the female body.

Just admit it. It’s tough to find a guy in his early 20s who knows what really happens in a woman’s body. I mean, they’re still on the hunt for the elusive clitoris. And when they finally find it, they don’t really understand how sensitive it truly is. It’s got twice the number of sensory nerve endings than a penis does, but good luck trying to explain that to them. A guy with several more years of experience under his belt (lol, literally) has witnessed firsthand how the female responds to different touches and stimulations. He’s probably also realized over time that there are endless ways a woman can get aroused, and that the clit and breasts are only the beginning.

2. They’re not as preoccupied with the end result.

Most of the guys I had sex with when I was younger only cared about climaxing, and that was that. Being new to the whole concept of sex, their focus remained on orgasming, which is totally understandable and normal. But I was introduced to a whole new world when my partner and I fooled around for the first time. It was about so much more than getting to the finish line. We played around with sex positions, experimented with location, and generally enjoyed the entirety of the act. The end was great, too, but that was only a small part of it.

3. They understand the importance of foreplay.

Foreplay matters, and it’s about more than just preparing yourself down there. You caress, kiss, and touch in all sorts of places so you can feel connected to the person you’re currently with, even if they’re only your partner for the night. Dr. Ruth Westheimer, a psychosexual therapist and professor at New York University, told WebMD, “It’s particularly important for women to have successful foreplay because it takes a woman a longer time [than a man] to get up to the level of arousal needed to orgasm.” We need the extra few minutes to get ready for the main event. Guys tend to learn this lesson over time. It doesn’t just come to them when they’re beginners.

4. They don’t take it so seriously.

In my experience, younger guys take sex way too seriously. I personally blame it on the porn culture (but it could be a variety of reasons). We’re used to seeing dudes with a somber, wannabe-tough-guy look on their face, trying to perform to the best of their abilities to please their very vocal partner. It’s easy to forget that porn is usually nothing more than a performance, so men take this to heart and try to copy it. But older guys have had sex enough to know that things don’t always go to plan, and that, at times, sex can be downright silly. Sometimes you fall out of certain positions, bump your heads together, or bang your elbow on the bed frame. The best way to respond to these hiccups is to just laugh it off, rather than profusely apologize and try to make up for it.

5. They’re more sexually curious.

You could’ve probably guessed this one. While it’s not true across the board, older boyfriends are usually more curious creatures in the bedroom. It makes sense. They’ve been having sex for ten more years than you have, so they’ve got to mix it up to keep things interesting. Role playing, S&M scenarios, threesomes — you name it, and they’ll probably at least consider it before giving you an answer.

6. They speak up about what they like and don’t like.

They’re a bit older and more confident in themselves, which means they’re not too shy to be honest about what they want in bed. This kind of honesty is exactly what keeps your sex life vibrant and interesting. Nobody is left to play the guessing game, which can eat away at you over time and make you worry that you’re not doing something right.

7. They want to know what you like and don’t like, too.

The first time my older boyfriend asked me outright what kind of foreplay I prefer, I couldn’t believe my ears. No guy had ever asked me that question. I almost didn’t know how to answer it because I’d never really sat down and thought about it. An older partner is more likely to have mastered the art of communication and learn how important of a role that plays in sex. Your orgasms will be better for it.

8. They understand that good sex isn’t only about what happens in the bedroom.

The real magic of sex doesn’t just exist in the midst of intercourse. What happens before and after add to the whole experience of sex, and older partners are champions at making those parts matter just as much. For example, they’ll probably take you out for a beautiful dinner, light some candles before you get undressed and turn on some sultry tunes, and maybe even make you breakfast the next morning (remember Carrie’s boyfriend Aleksandr in Season 6 of Sex and the City?). All of these little gestures make sex even sexier than it already was.