7 ways even shy people can ask for exactly what they want in bed

Being shy can really suck, especially when it comes to sex. But it doesn’t have to! Given that sex is so intimate, and communicating about it requires so much vulnerability, it makes sense that shy people can have trouble articulating what they want in bed. However, we argue that because sex is so intimate, it should be one of the places in life where you feel most free. So, we’ve compiled some suggestions for how to get over your fears, and state what you want.

Sure, it may take a lot of practice. Becoming the sexually liberated person you’ve always wanted to be might not happen over night. But put a little fun, playful effort into it, and you’ll get there.

Here’s how to get yours in bed, you shy little minx.

1 First, you have to know what you want.

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How can you ask for what you want when you don’t know? Good question. You’ve got to find out what you like. You can do this by simply having a lot of varying sex, learning what works for you in bed and what doesn’t. And we’re gonna go ahead and say a healthy amount of masturbation isn’t going to hurt your cause either.

2 Speaking of which, treat yo self.

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According to Indiana University’s National Survey Of Sexual Health and Behavior, only 7.9 percent of women between the ages of 25 and 29 masturbate two to three times a week, whereas 23.4 percent of men do. Have you ever noticed that men almost always orgasm when they have sex? Whereas, for a woman, an orgasm can seem like an only occasional byproduct of sex? If you haven’t learned what brings you to the finishing point or how to get there, you aren’t experiencing the pleasures of sex fully. Once you know how to get yourself where you want to go sexually, you can guide your partner in the right direction.

3 In terms of tone, aim for straightforward but playful.

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Once you’re armed with thorough knowledge of yourself, you can impart this knowledge to your partner by making straightforward asks in bed, with a gentle and playful tone. A question like, “Would you go down on me?” when uttered sensually in the heat of the moment will sound very sexy and appealing to your partner. Removing the guesswork from their experience in bed with you will make it all the more pleasurable for them, too. Sprinkle compliments throughout your romp, like, “That feels really good,” or, “I love that.” You partner will delight in knowing they know how to turn you all the way on — and keeping your tone light will help you feel a little more comfortable speaking up.

4Keep it sexy outside the bedroom too.

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Dirty talk in non-sexual situations, NSFW emails, or sexting are all great ways to explore sexually with your partner, even when you’re not in bed. They’ll get to know your preferences, your style, and that you love having sex with them. But if you’re super shy, you’ve likely never been so bold as to sext your partner, right? In that case, start soft and simple. A midday text as innocuous as, “I wish you were wrapped around me right now,” can start parting the gates toward more explicit verbal desires.

5Seriously, STOP faking orgasms.

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Listen, if you are still faking orgasms in bed, you must stop. And hey, this should be an easy one if you’re super shy — it literally requires not making noise. You’re doing yourself, and all of womankind, a disservice by allowing your partner to think they’re pleasuring you fully when they’re…not. If they know they haven’t gotten you there yet, they’ll have to keep trying new things until they do. And once they do, they’ll know what to do henceforth and forthwith and forever more. Sex will become immediately more satisfying for both of you, once you’ve let your orgasm out of the closet.


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Sometimes asking for what you want in bed can cause so much mental pressure that you freeze. If you notice yourself shutting down, take a breath, and ask yourself why. If the answers lead toward a fear that your partner will get upset, or it will ruin the mood, you’ll likely easily see that you’re tripping up on unfounded insecurities (or you might be picking up on signs that your current partner is not the right one for you). Regardless, your sexual needs should never be cause for shame or panic. Just take a beat, take a breath, and focus on what you feel rather than what you think.

7 Just, ya know, have more sex.

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To know yourself sexually, you have to have sex, whether that’s with yourself or someone else. More sex means more opportunities to figure out what turns you on and what brings you to orgasm, not to mention getting practice learning how to ask for it. So, go, play (safely, of course), and have fun. After all, there’s really no better cure for shyness.

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