7 Reasons Why Republicans Are Bad At Sex

(Warning: this post contains adorable photos of elephants who are angry about being associated with Republicans.)

To have or not have sex is a very personal choice. It’s one of the few times in our lives when we get to decide the where, why, how and who of the experience, and use our own free will to choose the course of action. From the first time we do it to the thousandth time we do it, the doing should belong to us and no one else. At least that’s how I see it. Most Republicans? Ahh, not so much.

Most Republicans are not good at sex. Not all, but most. I mean, I bet some of them are a good lay, but ultimately, a good chunk of them really don’t understand the virtues of safety, choice, education and fun, which to me is like, the world’s biggest deal breaker.

Here are 10 Reasons Why Most Republicans Are Bad At Sex:

 1. They are scared of doctors.

A lot of republicans have wanted to defund Planned Parenthood since, like, forever. While Planned Parenthood kindly, humanely and thoughtfully serves millions of Americans each year, the GOP still only thinks of it as an abortion clinic. We all know that Planned Parenthood is much more than that. They offer pap smears, ovarian cancer screenings, STI testing and so much more. But all of those things are still so icky to the GOP that former presidential candidate Rick Santorum went so far as to call the organization “a monstrosity”. Really, Rick? We sort of think a monster is someone who takes advantage of women, not someone who serves them and has their best interests at heart.

2. They are control freaks.

Good sex is all about give and take, and frankly, the way many Republicans have been trying to restrict abortion access across the country is totally bossy. They’ve passed a ban in Arkansas on abortions after 12 weeks and in Kansas, they might ban abortions altogether. We already know that abortion bans don’t work, and only makes getting an abortion more dangerous for women. It’s almost as if they want to put us at risk for the sake of their own values.

No, wait, it’s exactly like that.

3. They Are Manipulative.

Passing a ban on abortions is actually pretty difficult, so leaders from the Republican party are continually trying to find ways to make it harder for women to seek them out. In some states, this means passing laws for providers that limit who can and cannot perform abortions. In other states, it is laws about consent and how old a women needs to be before she can make this important choice about her life. Us girls are experts at getting what we want, so we should see this kind of strategic bull-crap from a mile away.

4. They Are Cruel.

Believe it or not, Representative Cathrynn Brown of New Mexico actually tried to make it illegal for rape victims to get abortions, citing the offense as “tampering with the evidence”. I don’t think I need to say anything else about this one, other than maybe… WTF?!

5. They Are Stupid And Want You To Be Stupid, Too.

“Cut sex ed funding? Yes! Cancel a successful HIV and STI prevention program? Sounds great! Continue to preach abstinence only even though it has been proven time and time again to not work and maybe even backfire? Great idea! Defund Planned Parenthood in a region with the highest rates of teen pregnancy? Love it!”- said lots of Republicans who don’t know how babies are (or are not) made.

6. They Are Cheap.

That free or low cost birth control you love so much? Obviously most , Republicans!

7. They are… boring.

Back in the day, there was a very silly law that made sodomy illegal. At the time, sodomy was defined as any type of sex that was “against nature” – that is, not penis in vagina. These laws made homosexuality against the law, and any kind of foreplay basically forbidden. But, as you know, nature – and well, horny people – find a way. In 2003 (yeah, not that long ago), the anti-sodomy law were deemed unconstitutional (freedom of tongue!), but that did not stop Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli from trying to reinstate it earlier this year. Thankfully, his argument did not pass, which is well and good, but the real question is, um, Ken… have you ever even tried oral? Because it’s so great it deserves its own tax deduction!

Also, did you know that in Texas it is illegal for gay teens to have sex with each other? I mean, as if exploring your sexuality wasn’t scary enough!

So, what can we do about these raging elephants and their anti-sex/anti-woman/homophobic laws? Here are some helpful links:

Planned Parenthood



Images c/o: Flickr, VH1, Getty

Filed Under