5 Things Worse Than Doing Your Taxes

You know that old Benjamin Franklin attribution that “nothing in life is certain but death and taxes”? He was onto something. After filing my W2 this week and realizing that the IRS is still “catching up” from the “shutdown” (THREE MONTHS AGO) and won’t be issuing returns until January 31st, I was prepared for the “death” part.

Pardon the angst.

Maybe you’re like me and prefer to get your taxes done early. Maybe you’re more relaxed about it and like to make the government wait in line the way they make you stand around at the DMV. Either way, there is one sure thing in all of this: nothing is more annoying than filing your taxes.

Well, maybe a few things. Without further ado, and in order to ease your pain and suffering, I’ve compiled a list of things that are worse than cracking down, growing up and handing over your soul to the IRS:

1. Losing your phone.

Yeah, yeah, let the “first world problem!” chants fly. But honestly, there’s nothing more awkward than sitting at the doctor’s office with nothing to do but read Highlights Magazine or watch the same weather forecast flash across the television screen in the corner thirteen times. Or when you’re waiting for the train and some lady, with what seems to be a cat in her purse, is watching your every move like it’s her job. There are only so many places you can look before you have to make eye contact. When I’m waiting for my order at the local noodle shop, I want to be busy pretending to check the financial section of my WSJ app while secretly reading the latest Tumblr post about my favorite OTP, not unsuccessfully trying to avert my gaze from the handsome British guy two tables down.

2. Bunchy socks inside your boots.

It is the worst. When Thomas Paine said “These are the times that try men’s souls”, he was talking about having to walk around the mall with a pair of bunched-up boot socks and no place to sit down.

3. Waking up half-an-hour before your alarm is set to go off.

I’m not a morning person. In fact, I’m so much of a night owl that I sometimes wonder if there are really two species of Homo sapiens and we just haven’t figured it out yet. So when I set my alarm for 6:30 am and my over-tired body is still recovering from staying up until 2:00 reading The Hunger Games, I expect to have that whole 4.5 hours of sleep to myself. It really irritates me when my brain decides, at 5:58 am, “LOL NOPE, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.” I’m sorry, but who do you think you are, brain? Without me, you’d be a floating mass of unused tissue just waiting for something to happen. Please allow me my beauty rest… because I need all the help I can get.

4. Finding a spider in your room… and then losing it.

Time to burn this house to the ground, friends. Once, I found a huge spider in my sister’s closet and she, having severe arachnophobia, told me to kill it and subsequently ran out of the room. I lost track of the little sucker two shoe-smacks in and never told her the truth. For all I know it’s still in there. Waiting.

5. When someone puts the toilet paper roll on backwards

… or at least the wrong way, in your opinion. What was your intention here? Are you trying to frustrate me more? It’s annoying enough that I had to pause the DVR five minutes into the latest Game of Thrones to actually walk to the bathroom, but now you’re just pushing it. Even more aggravating than this particular annoyance is its counterpart, the “I left you one sheet of toilet paper on the roll” thing. What am I supposed to do with that much toilet paper? Write a very brief grievance letter to Sheryl Crow?

Perhaps not everything on this list meets your standard of irritability, so tell me: what things do YOU find more annoying than filing your taxes?