5 Things That Real Adults Do

Age is just a number, they say. And by they, I mean 14-year-old girls who are trying to convince anyone over 25 to take them seriously. Also me when I realize that I’m about to hit up my 10-year high school reunion this summer and I have nothing to show for myself except for a high quality robe that I bought on Treat Yo’ Self Tuesday and a dream diary that I’ve inconsistently written in for the past 4 years:

“February 12, 2013. Last night I dreamt that I died, was cut up, deep fried and fed to the homeless. This probably has something to due with my diet… or my finances.”

Believe it or not, you guys, I’m an adult. The future of our country.  At the very least, the future of my neighborhood. I am old enough to drink, smoke, rent a car and sign up for a reality TV show. Except, I don’t really feel like an adult. Responsible, controlled and appropriate are all adult-like adjectives and I wouldn’t use any of them to describe myself in an online dating profile. I created the following list to separate the Real Adults from the Impostor Adults because I’ve been living the last nine years as a full on, falsified impostor of an adult who should not be doling out morsels of wisdom to anyone younger than me, but I do all the time. So, if you do these things, you are a Real Adult. Congratulations!

Updating Software: I feel like a really adultish thing to do is to keep your computer up to date. My iTunes is still from like, 2007. I can barely open it up without crashing my entire computer. I completely understand that it would only take a couple of hours and an Internet connection to turn it all around, but I never can bring myself to go through with it. ‘Would you like do update Adobe Reader today?’ No. No, I would not. I feel like now I’m setting some kind of record and I should just keep it up for as long as possible. You know, for posterity’s sake.

Oxford Commas: Punctuation can be tricky, but real adults have opinions about punctuation. I feel like I would instantly marry any guy I met who had a secure handle on the Oxford comma situation because a man who can handle an Oxford comma probably doesn’t forget to pay taxes or refill parking meters and I need that in a man. Homophones go in this category, too. A dude who can keep there, their, they’re straight is probably someone I want to mate with. Last November, I mixed up ‘there’ for ‘their’ and it’s still the last thing I think of before I go to sleep at night. Real adults don’t mess up their homophones.

Shower… Every Day: Like, even on the weekend. Even on a rainy Sunday when you’re going to do nothing else except order takeout and pretend to workout but then never end up doing anything except watch TV shows in marathon form. And don’t even get me started on daily hair washing. I mean, a 10 minute shower is one thing, but who are these magical women who wash their hair daily before work? And blow-dry it? And probably use some sort of heat protectant and finishing spray? I mean, this is just never going to happen for me. My arms get too tired and the blow dryer just makes me too sweaty and then I need a shower again.  I love the look of freshly styled hair, unless it’s 6:00 a.m. and then, magically, I love the look of disheveled bedhead.

Vacations: Real adults take vacations. They use their paid time off from work, they plan in advance and they go on vacations with other people who go on vacations.  They set up email messages to let everyone else know they are out of the office. And, most importantly, they don’t sleep on their friend’s floor while they are vaycaying. Oh, no. They book a hotel… ahead of time. They don’t roll through town looking for a vacancy sign and then go in and ask how much it is for one night and then decide that it is cheaper to sleep in their car. No, they don’t do that. I would really like to vacation like an adult because I’m at that age where sleeping on the floor has lost it’s novelty and makes my back all cracky.

Planning: It was only recently brought to my attention that some people plan their meals ahead of time. That way, they only have to go to the grocery store once a week. And that way, when they have unannounced guests around dinner time, they can offer them something for dinner other than microwave popcorn and Girl Scout cookies. They set themselves reminders about people’s birthdays and due dates and they write down important information on things besides napkins and McDonald’s hashbrown wrappers. The last time I got my online banking password right on the first try was never. I never get it right. And I can never remember the answers to my own damn security questions. I bet real adults keep a spreadsheet, or servant, or some kind of locking safe for that kinda stuff.

While being a Real Adult seems pretty magical and serene, I think it’s probably best to have a good mix of both, right? But definitely the vacations. Vacations are where it’s at. Are there any adulty things that I forgot? And are you a real adult? Or are you Club Impostor?

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