5 Terrible Reasons I Want To Have Kids

My biological clock is ticking for all the wrong reasons.

Most women my age are burning up with full-on baby fever. When you’re in your 30s, your baby making parts are supposed to be constantly screaming out: “Cook those eggs before they go bad!”

But all’s been quiet on my uterine front. I think babies are adorable. I just don’t want one of my own. I’d be lying if I said I never have doubts, though, especially when I consider all the amazing, special stuff I’m missing out on.

1. The Tax Credit

The IRS offers a yearly income tax credit of up to $1000 per child. $1000! Each! That means Octomom’s kids save her $14,000 in taxes every year! Even if I only cranked out five, I could parlay that $5,000 per year into a seriously awesome annual trip to Tahiti!

(*Note: Author’s calculations require that children pay their own room, board, clothing and entertainment fees starting at birth.)

2. To Get Out of Attending Parties and Other Special Events

I’m really not into leaving my house—ever. When I’m out and about with other people, I spend most of the time sizzling with anxiety, fantasizing about being stretched out on my couch with my husband and dog, stuffing my face with nachos and watching Downton Abbey. There’s no greater excuse than “I’ve got a kid” when it comes to dodging socialization.

Kids can be used for both the long term excuse:

“Sorry, I won’t be able to make it to your combination birthday/murder mystery game party. My daughter Oprah has a piano recital that night.”

Or, for the last minute bailout excuse:

“Hey Jeff! I was totally planning to drive out to that dive bar in Encino to see your improv troupe perform, but my son Sinbad just came down with the chicken pox. So sorry to miss it!”

3. So Someone Will Appreciate My Ancestry.com Work

I love Ancestry.com. I’ve already traced my family back four generations, uncovered photos of the ships my great-great-grandparents immigrated on, and found old records of my husband’s family in a little French church near Montreal. I can’t help but think, though, that all of my work is going to waste because I don’t have a kid to use it for their elementary school family tree project.

I did, like, really well in elementary school. I kind of “peaked” in sixth grade and it’s been downhill ever since. Anyway, I digress. The point is, I’ve got A+ material here, and no gold stars to show for it.

4. So I Can Score a Mom Cave

Beth Stern just started hosting a new show called Mom Caves on HGTV, aimed at creating luxury in-home spaces for moms to “get away from it all.” All you have to do is get your husband to report you as a mother on the edge of a nervous breakdown, and Beth will come over and put a chandelier in your closet. For FREE. It feels kind of unfair that I’m deprived a free closet chandelier just because I’m too narcissistic to raise a child. Right? I mean, I’m not saying I work harder than your average mom. I’m just saying that my closets are absolutely disgusting. Someone please help me.

5. So Someone Will Tell Me I’m A Good Singer

One of the great things about babies is they really like it if you sing to them, even if you can’t really sing all that well. When I was a frequent babysitter in my teen years, I performed everything from Anything Goes to The Smiths singing the neighborhood infants  to sleep. As far as I can tell, kids can’t really tell if your voice is terrible or not until they’re like 7 or 8, so if I did have a kid, I would have nearly a decade with a captive audience to listen my own personal a capella funk rock version of Laura Branigan’s ‘Gloria’. I’m really going to miss out on that.