5 Plotlines That Need to Happen on this Season of ‘Mad Men’

1. Babes need to own it.

There were a few women in advertising in the ’50s, ’60s and ’70s who were bold enough to hurtle over the typewriters and go from secretary to successful copywriters. Some, like Jane Maas, went on to hold one of the first executive posts in the industry ever held by a female. The infamous Mary Wells went on to found her own agency, Wells, Rich, Greene. I’m not saying I want Peggy to split in half like an ion and that we clone her. My point is, it would be nice to see another woman or two be hired as a creative team this season who happen to be smart AND sexy. And have them have zero interest in showing Don anything other than their brains. Okay, okay, Don is super attractive. Maybe they could pretend to accidentally drop a pencil, slowly bend over and pick it up while he watches. But no more than that!

2. Babes need to stop pretending Roger is still good for sexy time.

I find Roger amusing. But the man is, like, 52 and has already had a heart attack. He’s not a nice person. He’s not Wall Street loaded. In what stratosphere would Joan Holloway have street sex with him THEN have his baby? Where in the deepest recesses of your mind do you accept that last season a gorgeous, leggy, Jewish mid-20-something babe married him? And that he broke up with her because he has so many other babes after him, even hotter and younger than she is? Could you picture any 25-year-old woman you know waltzing into a bar and saying, “Hey guys, look at my hubby who is the same age as chef Paula Deen!” NO. NO. NOPE. I don’t care that he’s a partner. So is Don. Oh, and Christ on a cracker, so is Joan! (God, she’s hot.)

Look, Roger has got sex appeal in a bird-like, silver fox way, but with all the other men in the office who, say, aren’t their dad’s age, the babes need to go elsewhere. Let’s leave old Rodge to his bourbon, Paul Malls and someone who remembers the Model T.

3. Product Placement! (FREE stuff for us!)

Mad Men’s writing staff needs to leverage the fact that Bert Cooper is a Colonel Sanders’ doppelganger. KFC will sell buckets if this happens! I once had a vegan tell me that chickens are “disgusting, dirty animals”, but outside of that, I have yet to meet a human being who scoffs at a paper plate full of crispy fried cluck. “Mmmmmm,” says the greater populace in unison while combining said savory fried delight with mashed potatoes and coleslaw.

We see so very little of Bert, and when we do it’s a flash, like he’s just taken an enema and can’t stay long. Have him in a scene for more than two seconds AND show him enjoying a bucket KFC with some of their popular biscuits. Don and Roger can have a laugh at his expense, taunting, “Is that guy pictured on the bucket your more successful twin brother?” Cue the interactive promotional tie-in where viewers can tweet at AMC and KFC to vie for some coupons! #FREECHICKEN

4. A satellite office.

You know every corporate person loves to be able to say, “I have a friend named Gianni in our Milan office.” I’d adore it if Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce were forced to open somewhere rural, just for laughs. They could, say, land a big money client who is located in “The closest city is in the next state, U.S.A,” and the client demands an office be located there. Picture Don with his $100 shoeshine trying to order a Manhattan in the middle of a dry town with a one-lane bowling alley and a shop that sells everything its townspeople need, like muumuus, nasal hair clippers and lawnmowers. As a writer, this is how I’d start the scene: “We open on Don drinking generic brand soda. A woman-man type (you really can’t tell,) seated next to him, orders a screwdriver.  Don appears shocked when an  actual toolbox arrives at the table.”

5. A good haunting.

Season 6 is set in the late 60s– Ghostbusters is a good 15 years away from being made BUT that doesn’t mean Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce can’t get a little supernatural activity action. Stay with me. Dogs and plants are a good time when added to the 9-5 mix, but a cubicle ghost? That’s hardly been done. I vote this spirit is snarky. Like a Williamsburg, Brooklyn or Silver Lake, CA hipster way before they even existed. Every time someone cheats on his wife late night, the ghost can say, “Boooring!” or “Been done!” If Don’s in a client presentation yapping on like, “These tires make you and your car feel like a man,” the ghost will start making puking noises and laughing. Then we’ll hear his/her disembodied voice say something you‘ll only hear out of the mouth of a 24-year-old trust fund baby who writes webisodes out of coffee shop. Example: “Hear that noise, boys? That’s me clapping forever because you guys make ads.” No one knows where it’s coming from. Everyone starts drinking more to escape the phantom. People start going mad. You, the viewers, are in on this little joke – it’s our favorite new character, the hipster ghost.

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