“Help: I’m a 27-year-old guy who’s a virgin. Why do I feel so judged?”

Dear Sarah,

I’ve grown up not really knowing how to handle a big difference between me and all my friends: I’m 27 and a virgin. The fact that many of them ask me about it can make it difficult to deal with at times, even if I’m happy and proud to be who I am.

Some people, both male and female, try to analyze it, ask why, and even tease me. Some show a concern for my apparent lack of well-being. If I answer honestly that I’m cool with it, it can still be hard. I tend to become their entertainment. It can be difficult to keep up my friendships as many people are slightly obsessed with this one difference and act like I’m not normal.

I’m not a casual sex kind of person—but I don’t judge people for their choices. That’s just not me. I’d like to wait until I find someone I’m truly in love with and who is in also in love with me—and that hasn’t happened yet. All types of crushes, relationships, etc., are a common experience. People talk about romance and sex all the time, often without thinking about the effect that might have on others who are less experienced.

Eventually, most people figure out that it hasn’t happened for me yet. I don’t come out and say it—but if you don’t want to lie it becomes quite clear when you talk about your past. People often ask why I’m waiting. Others tell me I need to catch up and just go for it; that women want “experienced” men and that non-virgin women won’t want a virgin man. I’ve stayed true to myself and know exactly what I want, but these conversations can be stressful.

I like who I am. I’m still looking for that wonderful woman to share experiences with. In the meantime, I wish my friends and acquaintances would accept my choice and not judge me for it. I’m man who takes care of himself and loves and cares for those around him. One single difference between me and many people my age shouldn’t make me seem any less normal.

—Okay but Not 100% Okay in Texas

Dear Okay,

You know what? I really like you and your attitude and all the busybodies can go bleepety bleep bleep bleep (fill in favorite expletives). I can imagine it hurts when “caring” folks pressure you about having casual sex, suggest you aren’t “normal,” or have a laugh at your expense. That really riles me up! .

These days, there is more and more support for women’s sexual choices and agency but apparently, not so much for heterosexual men’s. Are all men supposed to be players who throw their female conquests over their shoulders and carry them around the cave or some other “macho” stereotype? You can’t help what others say, you can only try to laugh it off and move on. If certain people can’t seem to let it go, maybe spend more time with friends who you bond with over shared interests, work, movies, music, and so on.

As for women requiring an “experienced” lover, if experienced simply means having slept around a lot, then not necessarily. I can’t speak for all women, but don’t most people want someone with whom they have chemistry, and passion, and feel safe to be themselves? Sex is spontaneous and improvisational. If you are feeling at all insecure about being intimate with a woman, there are lots of great books out there full of frank and helpful info. Two titles I recommend are: Moregasm: Babeland’s Guide to Mind Blowing Sex and She Comes First: A Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.These books are both quite explicit so if you aren’t comfortable with that or if you want to experience sex first without any preconceptions, that’s fine too. You do you!

Love, Sarah

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