11 scary movies explained by someone who’s never seen them

Hi, it’s me, your neighborhood scaredy cat. Since accidentally seeing The Ring in seventh grade (I really hope the person who billed it as a “murder mystery” got fired), I’ve been avoiding scary movies my whole life. They stress me out.

But, to be honest, every Halloween when my friends are hosting horror movie marathons and I’m at home hand-sewing a costume for my cat, I feel really left out. So, sometimes I imagine what the plots of those films might be, just to pretend I’m included. I wanted to share a few of my ideas with you, just in case I’m really good at guessing the plots to movies and can move to Hollywood to make a career of it.

I planned on watching the trailers to every one of these films to provide the most educated guesses possible, but, to be honest, most of them were so scary that I just skimmed. Luckily, I doubt that will affect the accuracy of my plot summaries.

1. Night of the Living Dead

One unlucky twenty-something faces the consequences of agreeing to stay out late after work for a friend’s birthday party … on a Thursday.

2. Halloween

Doesn’t Jamie Lee’s face say it all? This is obviously a film about one of the most horrifying parts of October: Finding the perfect Halloween costume. Honestly, it’s so daunting to search for an ensemble that is all at once sexy, funny, and topically relevant. Mike Myers co-stars as a quirky Party City manager who loves his job but refuses to take off his practical joke mask – what a goofball!
3. Rosemary’s Baby

Oh yes, what a classic. This one’s about that time Mia Farrow got a short, baby doll haircut, loved it for six months, but then had to spend two years awkwardly growing it out, right? That pixie to mullet stage – oof – I’m getting the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.

4. Scream

Scream is a documentary about the Expressionist artist Edvard Munch and his proclivity for painting that one person making the “OMG” emoji face over and over and over again. So artsy, so cultured, so spooky.

5. The Exorcist

When the government implements a new, mandatory physical education program in American elementary schools, one little girl refuses to participate. When the principal hears about her misconduct, he threatens her with detention if she doesn’t – ahem – exorcise.
6. Saw I – VII

Nope.

7. Psycho

Now, I don’t live under a (very big) rock; I’m familiar with Psycho’s infamous shower scene. I’m assuming that this Alfred Hitchcock creation is about saving water during a drought – two minute showers only!

8. The Blair Witch Project

I think I might actually be able to get through this Gossip Girl spin-off, as long as I watch it with the lights on. Blair Waldorf was always my favorite boss lady, so this movie about her working on a group project about the Salem Witch Trials can’t be that bloodcurdling. However, reminiscing about being assigned group projects might be enough to keep you up at night. Group projects are the stuff of nightmares.
9. Paranormal Activity

Wasn’t this the one that’s just found footage of people napping? That sounds like pretty normal activity to me!

10. The Re-Animator

A creepy Tumblr user won’t stop posting new images of Disney princesses reimagined as real-life occupations, foods, and random inanimate objects. The Internet implodes.

11. Nightmare on Elm Street

Young Johnny Depp, tries to unravel the mysteries of his haunting, reoccurring dream that he is trapped in the Caribbean dressed as a flamboyant pirate for nearly half his life. On the bright side, he discovers his love for smudged eyeliner.

How did I do? Were all my guesses scary close?

(Images via here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.)