10 New Years Resolutions You’ll Definitely Make and Break

As the new year and a New Year’s Eve draws ever closer, now is the time that we must resolve our resolutions. Everyone wants to lose weight or find a significant other or climb the corporate ladder or climb a mountain or climb something, but these are all the resolutions that we are willing to admit to our grandmothers and coworkers.

Then there are the resolutions we make to ourselves, which we keep to ourselves and never let anyone know but ourselves. Just remember how the old adage goes: If a resolution is broken and no one was around to hear it in the first place, does it make a sound?

Below are likely examples of undeclared declarations of personal improvement that we keep to ourselves until we are further improved upon.

This Year You Will…

1. Come Up With Passwords That Do Not Incorporate Your Last Name/ Pets Name/ Birthday/ Favorite N*Sync Song/ Favorite N*Sync Member

Jones8/12/1991 or TearinUpMyHeart123 or Chris_Kirkpatrick are no longer acceptable… but they are just so easy to remember.

2. Procure the Willpower to Walk Past the Wetzel’s Pretzels at the Mall and Not Stop

Da Vinci. Einstein. Jobs. Wetzel.

All revolutionaries of their time, whose contributions to math, science, technology and the culinary arts shall forever remain unrivaled.

After spending the past two hours in Lids, what is the perfect mid-afternoon snack that would satiate my hunger and compliment my sick new beanie? The answer always remains the same—a warm, buttery pretzel that will no doubt kill me one day. How am I supposed say no to that? What am I, Superman? I might as well develop heat vision and a salon-ready hair while I’m at it.

3. Not Text Him/Her/Them

You probably have deleted their number(s) or, if you took the less dramatic route, they are currently in your phone saved under “Don’t Text” or “Have Some Self-Respect” or “Only in the Case of Nuclear Warfare.”

You always end up texting them, but not with a smiley face or exclamation point. They don’t deserve a smiley face, they don’t deserve the satisfaction.

4. Don’t Fall Into the Viral Dance Craze Trap

I am a hip kid, up on the times and down with the lingo, but I always feel like I am one step behind the latest dance craze.

I was Gangnam stylin’ when I should have been Harlem Shakin’ and I was doing the Charleston when I should have been twerking. It’s all too confusing and, in the end, just makes me feel arthritic.

5. Take Better Care of Your Goldfish

You are now a responsible young adult that washes your car at least three times a year and is more than capable of Googling how to do your own taxes. So, ya, you can handle taking care of a little fi—-

Wait. You have to feed it everyday?

6. Not Miss When the McRibb is Back

What? This is only me? You know, I had a feeling…

7. Change Your Bed Sheets Every Week 

This is such a small and simple thing and, consequently, it often goes unnoticed. So you come home from Target with all new bed sheets and you take them out of the package and wash them and you put them on your bed and then, before you know it, three moths have passed and your down comforter is more Triscuit crumbs than feathers.

A part from matrimony and child rearing, I have a feeling there are few things in life better than slipping in between freshly washed bed sheets. But similar to matrimony and child rearing, washing your sheets requires effort.

8. No Longer Consider WebMD  to Be a Viable Source of Medical Information

This rash on the back of my leg could be the razor burn –or- it could be gangrene. Who am I kidding? It’s definitely gangrene.

9. Read Less Lists

10. Not Be Too Lazy For Deodorant

People can remember smells with 65% accuracy after a year, so I wanna make sure that I am not remembered as that one girl who vaguely smells of gouda and Play-Doh.

I just got a new deodorant with a cucumber on the front, because I, if for nothing else, want to be remembered for my affinity of cucumbers.

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