You Offend Me, Calorie Counter!

Calorie Counter,

Calorie Counter, you are a thing that people use to lose weight.  I have about fifteen pounds to go, so I downloaded you from the internet at, thinking you could save my life and make me magically lose poundage even though I never work out ever.  So far, it’s been fourteen hours and I want to DIE.  You have made me HATE myself.  I never hate myself unless I know I was mean to someone for a stupid reason.  And, yes, I’m being mean to you right now, Calorie Counter, but you offend me in so many ways that I say, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth!  (That’s a phrase from the Bible and I don’t even READ the Bible)!


You are forcing me to eat FRUIT, Calorie Counter!  I try to do this sometimes, but not every day! Bananas can get boring unless doused in honey AND Nutella!  Raspberries are great, but they are SMALL so I have to eat MANY of them…more than YOU suggest to eat, Calorie Counter!  Eating a small amount of fruit for breakfast is not what I call BREAKFAST!  Let’s talk about EGGS and BACON!  VEGGIE BACON, even!  Bread!  Bagels!  CREAM CHEESE!  Don’t make me cut those out, Calorie Counter!  Oh you are, Calorie Counter?  You are not letting me eat dinner if I eat a BAGEL, Calorie Counter??? I will SUE you, Calorie Counter!  Look at this girl…she’s not HAPPY!  She’s great at PRETENDING and LYING, Calorie Counter!  The bowl she’s eating out of isn’t even a REAL bowl!


Now, a part of me wants to appreciate you because you try to tell me exactly what I am consuming, but you don’t have a list of EVERY FOOD in the WORLD in your database, so when I type in ‘Boiled Egg Sandwich with Watercress and Garlic Aioli’, you tell me to insert ‘Egg Salad Sandwich’ in my food diary and that is just INACCURATE!  Egg Salad is a lot more fatty than a boiled egg with garlic aioli…or is it?  See!  You make me DOUBT myself!  How dare you!



Thank GOSH you can be downloaded on the internet for free, Calorie Counter, because there are many versions of you and they all look like gadgets that I would need an IT guy to help me figure out.  There’s a watch that one can wear on his/her wrist, which probably makes female and male arm hairs stick to the skin because it’s made out of RUBBER…

Fitness watch from

Then there’s a weird fridge magnet or some sort of clip-on thing…it doesn’t even tell someone how to wear it.  It probably would slip off of a person if he/she tried to run or dance or twirl with it clipped onto him/herself.

Clip-on Calorie Counter from

There’s also this weird Blackberry-like version of you that comes with a pen and if a person is driving after going out to eat and then stops at a stoplight to insert his/her calories into you, the pen will probably get lost in his/her seat cushions because it’s so small.  And, if the person has animals that ride in the car later, the pen could get caught in the animals’ paws OR it would probably stab them in the eye!  See, you are a SAFETY HAZARD, Calorie Counter!

Health Fitness Counter from

Despite the fact that I use you on my iPhone and you are very accessible, you are like one of those relatives that I can’t stand seeing, so I will probably just ignore you ’til Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa come along.  What you’re doing is making me READ the back of food (and I HATE reading SCIENCE stuff)…

Calorie Counter from

Just get off my back, Calorie Counter!  Go save someone else’s life!  Already I won’t be eating dinner for the next five weeks, so LAY OFF.  You are DESTROYING the kindness left inside of me.  My temperament is becoming YOUR slave.  Get a job on The Biggest Loser and stop complaining to me about all the food I shouldn’t eat!

On a side note, I’m probably going to test you out for the rest of my life, so just help me get used to you.  This could be a love-hate relationship waiting to blossom into a full-fledged hate-hate relationship.  Make it become a loving marriage without the sex and stuff, please.  Thanks.

Your not-so-greatest-fan,


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